Category Archives: Uncategorized

By BRUCE LOWITT The invoice that landed on the desk of Gustavo Petro requested a payment in the five-hundred-million-dollar neighborhood. The President of Colombia lives in a pretty upscale neighborhood and the president of the United States said he figured Petro could afford to pay the bill. Or else. According to The Associated Press, PetroContinue reading “Trump: Please remit”

By BRUCE LOWITT Tiger Woods says he’ll play in next month’s Master’s Tournament, but the five-time champion, who hasn’t played in a tournament since failing to make the cut at the Open Championship in July 2024, has placed some conditions on his return next month to the Augusta National Golf Club – including the useContinue reading “Would Woods, or not?”

By BRUCE LOWITT If Florida Man and Florida Woman are more than just kissin’ cousins, Florida says, they can still make the state of their union legal and presumably make Florida Babies that, technically, won’t be bastards. This was the decision of the one hundred and twenty representatives who make up three-quarters of the FloridaContinue reading “Inbreeding in Florida”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump, infuriated by Venezuela’s 3-2 World Baseball Classic victory over the United States, has threatened to return President Nicolas Meduro and his wife to Caracas “so the bastard and his bitch can fuck up their shithole country by resuming their drug trafficking and narcoterrorism.”“I mean, we invented the damn game.Continue reading “Venezuela loses by winning”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump says he will deploy units of the United States Army and National Guard to the stadiums of the eleven cities hosting FIFA World Cup competition this summer, and will add a contingent of Marines if Iran winds up playing in one of them. “When I said the Iraniacs …Continue reading “Scoping out Iran”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a meeting involving Iran’s Assembly of Experts following the killing of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei during the bombing raids on Tehran and other Iranian cities by the United States and Israel. The recording was made using a device hidden in the robe of a spy planted as a member ofContinue reading “Iran: No Assembly Required”

By BRUCE LOWITT With his poll numbers sinking below the popularity of chlamydia and Elon Musk, President Donald Trump has continued “revising” his administration by reassigning Secretary of Defense and official White House Douchbro Pete Hegseth as special envoy to the Shield of Greenland, and Attorney General and amateur Botox tester Pam Bondi ambassador toContinue reading “Trump’s latest deformations”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump, believing he is running out of countries to bomb in the Middle East, said that with his global tariff campaign in jeopardy, he has ordered the Pentagon to invade Canada and Mexico. “Actually, the tariffs thing is just an excuse,” said Gen. Dan ‘Raizin’ Caine, Chairman of the JointContinue reading “Bombardier-in-Chief”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump says the $500-billion increase in military spending in his forthcoming budget will cover the cost of converting all Abrams tanks to coal power and the gold-plating of a dozen tanks to be stationed around the new White House ballroom. In addition, the budget calls for installing state-of-the-art gymnasiums inContinue reading “Indefensible”

By BRUCE LOWITT Tony Clark’s sudden resignation as executive director of the MLB Players Association followed an internal investigation which revealed that his “inappropriate” relationships involved not only his sister-in-law but also team mascots Phoebe Phanatic (the mother of Philadelphia’s Phillie Phanatic), Mrs. Met, (wife of New York’s Mr. Met), and Cincinnati’s Rosie Red. ThereContinue reading “Clark: All about character(s)”