Category Archives: Uncategorized

By BRUCE LOWITT After his first Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad year as University of North Carolina’s head football coach, which might have equaled his last Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad year as head coach of the New England Patriots if it had gone on much longer, 73-year-old Bill Belichick decided to reallyContinue reading “Belichick: Housecleaning”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Miami Dolphins, desperate to stay in the NFL playoff hunt and taking a cue from the Indianapolis Colts, signed Dan Marino, their 64-year-old Hall of Fame quarterback, to their practice squad as a likely replacement for starter Tua Tagovailoa.“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Dolphins interim general manager Champ Kelly said,Continue reading “‘Tags’ out. Marino’s back”

By BRUCE LOWITT Bill Belichick, sick and tired of the threats to his safety by University of North Carolina Boosters who are sick and tired of the Tar Heels’ failure to achieve a winning record for all but seven of the past twenty-eight seasons, said he has approached the University of Massachusetts to inquire aboutContinue reading “Chucking Belichick”

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By BRUCE LOWITT The New York Giants fired head coach Brian Daboll after his wife, Beth, asked that they dismiss him “because as much as he loved the job and the players,” she said, “he was nothing short of insane when he got home after the games.” After granting her wish Monday, Giants owners John MaraContinue reading “Daboll out. Belichick back?”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Trump administration, in its pursuit of a totally white-bread United States, is reducing the number of refugees admitted to the country to one thousand and will limit them to one hundred white South Africans and nine hundred Swedish bikini models. Among the emigrating South Africans, at least half should be expertsContinue reading “Trump: ‘Screw Emma Lazarus’”

By BRUCE LOWITT University of North Carolina football fans, enraged by the Tar Heels’ 17-16 overtime loss Saturday to visiting Virginia, burned Bill Belichick in a Kenan Memorial Stadium end zone following the game – admitting they accidentally incinerated their actual head coach rather than an effigy of him. The regulation game ended 10-10, theContinue reading “Belichick ‘fired’”

By BRUCE LOWITTIn a remarkable first, President Donald Trump changed his mind and promised not to send a surge of federal agents to San Francisco after Mayor Daniel Lurie promised not to send contingents of the California National Guard to Mar-a-Lago and the demolished East Wing of the White House to control the “rebellions” happening there. “I think heContinue reading “Trump (no shit) backs down”

By BRUCE LOWITT The addition of a glitzy ballroom to the White House is only the first stage of President Donald Trump’s plan to reimagine federal properties including the Pentagon, Lincoln Memorial, Mount Rushmore, and the Grand Canyon.“This stuff is old, often boring, and generally useless,” America’s last president and first king said during aContinue reading “Reimagining Trump”

By BRUCE LOWITT Aaron Rodgers, Pittsburgh’s unnervingly mild-mannered quarterback, went berserk in the locker room following the Steelers’ Thursday night loss in Cincinnati, according to teamates who said he blamed everyone but himself for the Bengals’ 33-31 victory. “I’d say ‘batshit crazy’ is how I’d describe Aaron’s behavior,” Steelers wide receiver DK Metcalf said ofContinue reading “Rodgers: Over and Out”