Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT (Excerpts from the conversation between President Donald Trump and China’s leader, Xi Jinping, with the translation for Trump of Xi’s statements provided by White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who took a two-week crash course in Mandarin prior to the trip.)What Trump heard: “You’re looking fine, Mr. President.”What Xi said: “你突然变老了而且胖了很.” (“YouContinue reading “Chinese takeout”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump, announcing that his still-to-be-built ballroom attached to the White House was not going to be “yooj enough,” has redesigned an enlarged version with plans to host a Super Bowl, the NCAA Final Four, and attract other events. “I don’t see a reason why I can’t bring a future WorldContinue reading “Trump’s balls … room”

By BRUCE LOWITT (Code names considered for United States operations against Iran and elsewhere detailed in notes written in staff meetings by Army Chief of Staff General Randy George and Naval Secretary John Phelan, among the officials later fired by unstable Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. The notes were found tucked between sofa cushions in theContinue reading “Operational Screwups”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a telephone conversation between President Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV. The call, initiated by Trump, was recorded at the suggestion of Cardinal Pietro Parolin, Secretary of State of His Holiness, to be included in Volume 2 of The Vatican’s Bloopers, Boners, and Bombast album. Pope Leo XIV: “Hello?”Continue reading “Holy crap!”

By BRUCE LOWITT Vice President JD Vance announced that he will run for prime minister of Hungary against Viktor Orban after being told by Donald Trump that he’ll be banished from the MAGAverse for not fully supporting the president’s now-temporarily halted plan to annihilate Iran.“It’s great that we’ve avoided World War Three for the timeContinue reading “Vance: Hungary for power”

By BRUCE LOWITT The International Olympic Committee has run into a gender-bending roadblock of sorts in its goal to ban transgender athletes from future competition in women’s events, namely how to determine who’s in and who’s out, starting with the 2028 Summer Games in Los Angeles.“At the Olympic Games, even the smallest margins can beContinue reading “Gender Games”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Trump Administration admitted that a portion of the $200-billion taxpayer dollars it is requesting to continue what it calls the “short-term excursion” in Iran has already been spent by an undisclosed number of the president’s sycophants for what it calls “necessities” such as makeup, Botox, and high-altitude condoms.Twice-demoted Kristi Noem spentContinue reading “How much?! For what!?!!”

By BRUCE LOWITT The invoice that landed on the desk of Gustavo Petro requested a payment in the five-hundred-million-dollar neighborhood. The President of Colombia lives in a pretty upscale neighborhood and the president of the United States said he figured Petro could afford to pay the bill. Or else. According to The Associated Press, PetroContinue reading “Trump: Please remit”

By BRUCE LOWITT Tiger Woods says he’ll play in next month’s Master’s Tournament, but the five-time champion, who hasn’t played in a tournament since failing to make the cut at the Open Championship in July 2024, has placed some conditions on his return next month to the Augusta National Golf Club – including the useContinue reading “Would Woods, or not?”

By BRUCE LOWITT If Florida Man and Florida Woman are more than just kissin’ cousins, Florida says, they can still make the state of their union legal and presumably make Florida Babies that, technically, won’t be bastards. This was the decision of the one hundred and twenty representatives who make up three-quarters of the FloridaContinue reading “Inbreeding in Florida”