Chinese takeout

By BRUCE LOWITT

(Excerpts from the conversation between President Donald Trump and China’s leader, Xi Jinping, with the translation for Trump of Xi’s statements provided by White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who took a two-week crash course in Mandarin prior to the trip.)

What Trump heard: “You’re looking fine, Mr. President.”
What Xi said: “你突然变老了而且胖了很.” (“You got older and fatter in a hurry.”)

What Trump heard: “You’re healthier than ever. Am I right?”
What Xi said: “你的脚踝到底是怎么回事?” (“What the hell is wrong with your ankles you orange-faced asshole?”)

What Trump heard: “I’m sure we can resolve the Taiwan issue without rancor.”
What Xi said: “你可以把我和我所有将军都炸死 我们仍然会在今年年底前拿下台湾.” (“You could blow me and all my generals and we’ll still take Taiwan by the end of the year.”)

What Trump heard: “Pete Hegseth is a remarkably knowledgeable secretary of war and all opponents of your country should take heed not to cross him.”
What Xi said: “彼得赫格塞斯是-个疯子。你到底是怎么鬼使神差地选上?”(“Pete Hegseth is an alcoholic fratboy – and incredibly stupid to boot. How on earth did you end up picking him?”)

What Trump heard: “We can work together to establish a great worldwide communications system that will benefit both of our nations greatly.”
What Xi said: “你们的大部分通讯系统都归我们所有。你们毫无秘密可言.” (“We own most of your communications systems. You have no secrets.”)

What Trump heard: “You are a decent and honorable man.”
What Xi said: “我们正将手中持有的爱泼斯坦档案副本出售给纽约时报.” (“We can’t wait to see the shitstorm that ensues when we sell our complete copy of the Epstein files to the New York Times and everyone finally sees all the dirt that pervert had on you.”)

What Trump heard: “Your special advisor, Stephen Miller, is a brilliant and reasonable mediator and we would be honored to have him negotiate with us.”
What Xi said: “如果米勒先生靠近如果米勒先生靠我.” (“If that racist lunatic Miller comes within one hundred feet of us or any of our children he will wind up in Quincheng Prison.”)

What Trump heard: “You are the most honorable president the United States has ever had and all Americans should be proud of you.”
What Xi said: “真搞不懂你那些骗局,到底是怎. 么蒙混过关的.” (“I really don’t get it. how on earth did you manage to get elected again, or even the first time? Americans sure are stupid?”)

What Trump heard: “We will endeavor to assist you in any way we can in helping you to extricate yourself from this problem you have with Iran.”
What Xi said: “你死定.” (“Boy, are you fucked.”)