Trump: A world apart

By BRUCE LOWITT

Paraguay, its Asociación Paraguaya de Fútbol, and three of its South American neighbors sued President Donald Trump and the United States government after he barred the Paraguayan World Cup soccer players from entering the country to play its scheduled Friday match against the USA team.

This comes one week after Trump issued an executive order barring a visit from any soccer fans from Paraguay and its three bordering countries - Argentina, Brazil, and Bolivia - who had purchased tickets to watch the match in Los Angeles.

It also comes two days after he attended Game Three of the NBA Finals in Madison Square Garden, New York's 115-111 loss Monday night to San Antonio that ended the Knicks' postseason winning streak at thirteen games.

“The Spurs fans – they love me in Texas - wanted me to come back for Game Four tonight,” he said Wednesday, “and I really liked all the cheers the New York fans gave me, but the Knicks are the biggest bunch of losers and I didn't see the point of going back to watch them suck again. Besides, I want to make sure the World Cup goes off without a hitch. If Argentina or Brazil or Bulova wins enough ...”

“Sir,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio said, “it's Bolivia. Bulova makes watches and Bolivia's not in the World Cup.”

“Well, if anyone from one of those shithole South American countries wins enough games to wind up facing the good ol' USA anywhere here down the road, I'll order my Immigration and Customs Enforcement people to come down hard at wherever these gorillas try to disrupt the games or shoot up our streets or whatever.”

Rubio whispered to Trump, “I think you mean guerillas, sir.”

“Them, too. Listen,” Trump barked, “I already let those Mexicans into the country to play South Africa, although I'm not sure how many white guys are on the Banana team. Like I've said, my administration is working to make sure only the white people enter the United States.”

Rubio said, “The right people. That's what you said, right, Mr. President? The right people.”

“That's right. White. Right. We're working on it very closely to make sure the right white people come into our country.”

“Uh, they're not coming into our country, sir. The South Africa match is in Mexico, sir,” Rubio said, and they're not the Bananas. The South African team's nickname is 'Bafana Bafana.' It's Zulu for 'The Boys The Boys', sir.”
 
Trump then shouted, “Zulu? Get me (David) Venturella at ICE. I want anyone trying to cross the Mexican border to get in here with a spear, or a bone in his nose, arrested and deported to, hell, I don't know, anywhere but Africa.”

“And get me Gianni Infanto,” Trump went on. “The FIFA president giving me that Peace Prize last year was really cool, but now he's screwing me by sending us shithole World Cup countries while Canada gets Switzerland and Australia and New Zealand and England.

“Does he want the trophy back just because of Venezuela and Iran?” Trump growled, “Because if he does, I'd like to see what his Italian navy can do against ours. Right, Pete? … Pete? … Where the fuck is ...”

“He's in the White House Dining Room, sir,” Rubio said. “It's Happy Hour, sir.”