Holy crap!
By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a telephone conversation between President Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV. The call, initiated by Trump, was recorded at the suggestion of Cardinal Pietro Parolin, Secretary of State of His Holiness, to be included in Volume 2 of The Vatican’s Bloopers, Boners, and Bombast album. Pope Leo XIV: “Hello?”…
Vance: Hungary for power
By BRUCE LOWITT Vice President JD Vance announced that he will run for prime minister of Hungary against Viktor Orban after being told by Donald Trump that he’ll be banished from the MAGAverse for not fully supporting the president’s now-temporarily halted plan to annihilate Iran.“It’s great that we’ve avoided World War Three for the time…
Gender Games
By BRUCE LOWITT The International Olympic Committee has run into a gender-bending roadblock of sorts in its goal to ban transgender athletes from future competition in women’s events, namely how to determine who’s in and who’s out, starting with the 2028 Summer Games in Los Angeles.“At the Olympic Games, even the smallest margins can be…
How much?! For what!?!!
By BRUCE LOWITT The Trump Administration admitted that a portion of the $200-billion taxpayer dollars it is requesting to continue what it calls the “short-term excursion” in Iran has already been spent by an undisclosed number of the president’s sycophants for what it calls “necessities” such as makeup, Botox, and high-altitude condoms.Twice-demoted Kristi Noem spent…
Trump: Please remit
By BRUCE LOWITT The invoice that landed on the desk of Gustavo Petro requested a payment in the five-hundred-million-dollar neighborhood. The President of Colombia lives in a pretty upscale neighborhood and the president of the United States said he figured Petro could afford to pay the bill. Or else. According to The Associated Press, Petro…
Would Woods, or not?
By BRUCE LOWITT Tiger Woods says he’ll play in next month’s Master’s Tournament, but the five-time champion, who hasn’t played in a tournament since failing to make the cut at the Open Championship in July 2024, has placed some conditions on his return next month to the Augusta National Golf Club – including the use…
Inbreeding in Florida
By BRUCE LOWITT If Florida Man and Florida Woman are more than just kissin’ cousins, Florida says, they can still make the state of their union legal and presumably make Florida Babies that, technically, won’t be bastards. This was the decision of the one hundred and twenty representatives who make up three-quarters of the Florida…
Venezuela loses by winning
By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump, infuriated by Venezuela’s 3-2 World Baseball Classic victory over the United States, has threatened to return President Nicolas Meduro and his wife to Caracas “so the bastard and his bitch can fuck up their shithole country by resuming their drug trafficking and narcoterrorism.”“I mean, we invented the damn game.…
Scoping out Iran
By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump says he will deploy units of the United States Army and National Guard to the stadiums of the eleven cities hosting FIFA World Cup competition this summer, and will add a contingent of Marines if Iran winds up playing in one of them. “When I said the Iraniacs ……
Iran: No Assembly Required
By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a meeting involving Iran’s Assembly of Experts following the killing of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei during the bombing raids on Tehran and other Iranian cities by the United States and Israel. The recording was made using a device hidden in the robe of a spy planted as a member of…
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