From Here to Eternity

By BRUCE LOWITT

(Transcript of Lindsey Graham’s final interview, during his funeral. While his body lay in state in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda, Graham’s soul was summoned Wednesday to an anteroom for a “transitional meeting”.)

Graham: “Where am I?”
Host: “All in good time, Mr. Graham.”
Graham: “That’s Senator Graham.”
Host: “Not as of seventeen days ago.”
Graham: “Excuse me?”
Host: “You’re excused, this time.”
Graham: “No, I mean, uh, what’s going on?”
Host: “You’re not going on until this evaluation is concluded. Now let’s begin.”
Graham: “But I …”
Host: “Mr. Graham, what have you ever said about Donald Trump?”
Graham: “Wait a minute. Are you with the FBI or the DOJ or …”
Host: “Let me rephrase that. Have you ever said anything nice about Donald Trump?”
Graham: “Uh, not that I can remember. I’ve said he was ‘a jackass,’ and ‘a race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot,’ and ‘unfit for office,’ and ‘not qualified to be Commander in Chief,’ and …
Host: “yes, but that was political talk, long before you actually thought he could become president. Didn’t you later on say he was “a close number two, behind God,’ and ‘I have never heard him make a single racist statement. Not even close,’ and …”
Graham: “Well …”
Host: “And while we’re at it, didn’t you coach Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on how to convince President Trump to start bombing Iran? How’s that working out for you?”
Graham: “Oh, shit.”
Host: “It’s too late to change your mind. Let’s move on to the next subject. Do you remember calling White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller ‘a real twink’ and ‘the kind of person who deserves cuddling’ and …”
Graham: “Holy fuck! I never said … Um. Wait a minute. Y’know, he is a close friend and I might’ve thought …”
Host: “And didn’t you call Pete Hegseth the greatest military leader since Genghis Khan?”
Graham: “Well, isn’t he?”
Host: “And haven’t you thought that Todd Blanche should share a cell with Ghislaine Maxwell?”
Graham: “Only if he won’t share it with me. … Oh, crap. Did I say that out loud?”
Host: “Let me point out something. Attacking the LGBTQ community, that wasn’t very nice. And pushing the Defense of Marriage Act, and voting against the Respect for Marriage Act, that was, um, unacceptable.”
Graham: “Okay. I’m sorry.”
Host: “Too late.”
But I don’t understand. Why all these questions?”
Host: “Just to determine where you’re headed.”
Graham: “Is this like a surprise vacation?”
Host: “Not exactly.”
Graham: “How many choices do I have?”
Host: “You don’t get to choose.”
Graham: Oh, hell.”
Host: “Bingo!”