What’s up, Doc?

By BRUCE LOWITT

It turns out that not all of the 22 “doctors” who recently examined Donald Trump had medical degrees and, according to Sean Barbabella, DO, his personal physician, had been summoned to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to study “other aspects of the president’s condition.”

Barbabella, a doctor of osteopathic medicine, is identified in his official biography as “a decorated U.S. Navy combat trauma physician,” which he admitted refers not to any awards but to his affinity for epaulets and lapel brooches.

“And I have some embroidered blazers and floral and sequined suits as well as velvet and damask capes that’ll knock your socks off,” he said, “and some socks that’ll make you scream.”

Barbabella said he takes a holistic approach to Trump’s well-being, meaning he examines and treats the president’s mind, body, and emotions, and acknowledged that “once in a while I have to bring a whip and a chair into the cage … I mean the room … to evaluate him.”

“That’s why I brought in Dr. Jan Pol, televisionally recognized veterinarian,” Barbabella said. “He practices a no-nonsense approach to large-animal medicine and, just between us, the president has these moments when he’s more like an enraged rhino than a RINO.”

Dr. Marsha Linehan, DBH (Doctor of Behavioral Health) and Professor Emeritus at the University of Washington, was called in to study what she called “the president’s borderline personality disorder. He was humming Madonna’s ‘Borderline’ and muttering about ‘sneaking over the border to get some of that hot poutine,’ which he apparently thinks is Canadian for pussy. Not that he’s clinically nuts, but I wouldn’t put it past him.”

Dr. Randy Danielsen, DHSc, Dean and Professor at the A.T. Still University of Arizona School of Health Sciences who has published numerous healthcare papers, said he spent “several hours with the president trying to convince him to use more concealer on his crusty hands because whatever that shit is on the back of them was scaring everyone in the West Wing.”

The most notable Doctor of Athletic Training, DAT, to visit the president at Walter Reed was Dr. Robin West, the first female head physician in the NFL and Major League Baseball. “I told him, ‘You think golf’s going to keep you healthy? Porky Oliver won eight PGA tournaments – you could look him up – weighed less than you and dropped dead at age 45.’ Trump could lose fifty pounds easy.”

Barbabella said the controversies over the president’s proposed ballroom, arch, repainted reflecting pool, and other projects prompted him to call in Peter Eisenman, Ph.D., D.Arch., Professor Emeritus at the Cooper Union School of Architecture.

“I told him the things he was building would get him remembered for a hundred years,” Eisenman said, “if he wanted to be remembered the way Hitler and Stalin and Nero and Saddam Hussein are remembered. Y’know what he told me? ‘Those guys weren’t so bad. At least I’ll be remembered better than Biden.’ What a schmuck.”

And with the increasing turmoil over Trump’s positions on reproductive rights and gender identity, Barbabella said he asked Katherine Franke, S.J.D., who received her Doctorate of the Science Law from Yale, “to advise on how he should deal with the subjects, given the importance of the upcoming midterm elections. He told her to go fuck herself. No surprise there.”