By BRUCE LOWITT
President Donald Trump, announcing that his still-to-be-built ballroom attached to the White House was not going to be “yooj enough,” has redesigned an enlarged version with plans to host a Super Bowl, the NCAA Final Four, and attract other events.
“I don’t see a reason why I can’t bring a future World Cup, not to mention having a new home for Washington’s NFL, NBA, NHL, and Major League Baseball teams all in one place, as well as the world’s largest evangelical church and a NASCAR race, not to mention presidential nominating conventions,” Trump said. “And we can get it completed by August of 2028, just in time for me to accept my party’s nomination for a third term.”
His ballroom, replacing the unexpectedly and likely illegally demolished East Wing of the White House, was supposed to be a 90,000-square-foot monstrosity with a main banquet hall of about 22,000 square feet (110×200 feet) seating as many as 1,000 guests, five times the capacity of the hall in the former East Wing.
“But who needs just a banquet hall? You’ve got to think big,” Trump said. “I mean, granted, we’ll probably have to knock down and maybe relocate the Washington Monument and maybe the Jefferson Memorial, but who uses those things, anyway? Just a big waste of space if you ask me.”
The ballroom the president originally proposed would have dwarfed the 55,000-square-foot White House. An NFL stadium or Major League ballpark generally covers about 3,000,000 square feet.
“What televangelist wouldn’t want to preach in front of one hundred thousand parishioners?” Trump said. “I bet Joel Osteen and Craig Groeschel and Matt Chandler and what’s-his-name, Pastor Choco, would love to pass the collection plate to them every Sunday.”
Trump also hinted that he’d probably tear down the existing White House. “If you think about it, a two-hundred-year-old building has pretty much outlived its usefulness. I might build a new one nearby, like where the Lincoln Memorial is. I mean, that’s another thing that serves no useful purpose.
“And a new one wouldn’t just be a boring white-colored house. It’d be red, white, and blue with lots of flags and statues, plenty of gold and marble, swimming pools and a spa, casinos and game rooms, and plenty of bunkers and tunnels to protect against terrorist attacks,” Trump said. “I’m talking about a Presidential Palace.”
Trump once tried but failed to buy the NFL’s then-Baltimore Colts and Buffalo Bills. And when he owned the USFL’s New Jersey Generals, he pushed the spring-league into suing the NFL – and into bankruptcy. He also reportedly once tried to buy the Cleveland Indians (now Guardians) and, failing that, to start a rival baseball league. And he once expressed an interest in buying the NHL’s Florida Panthers.
Only the NBA and Major League Soccer have escaped Trump’s vision of ownership, “but who gives a shit about them?” he said. “I mean, like seventy-five percent of pro basketball players are, y’know, them, and I’m pretty sure with all the gerrymandering going on, they don’t give a shit about me. And as for that foreign sport called socc-… oh, wait. Never mind. I love it. I mean, have you seen this beautiful FIFA Peace Prize they just gave me?”
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