Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump, infuriated by Venezuela’s 3-2 World Baseball Classic victory over the United States, has threatened to return President Nicolas Meduro and his wife to Caracas “so the bastard and his bitch can fuck up their shithole country by resuming their drug trafficking and narcoterrorism.”“I mean, we invented the damn game.Continue reading “Venezuela loses by winning”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump says he will deploy units of the United States Army and National Guard to the stadiums of the eleven cities hosting FIFA World Cup competition this summer, and will add a contingent of Marines if Iran winds up playing in one of them. “When I said the Iraniacs …Continue reading “Scoping out Iran”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a meeting involving Iran’s Assembly of Experts following the killing of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei during the bombing raids on Tehran and other Iranian cities by the United States and Israel. The recording was made using a device hidden in the robe of a spy planted as a member ofContinue reading “Iran: No Assembly Required”

By BRUCE LOWITT With his poll numbers sinking below the popularity of chlamydia and Elon Musk, President Donald Trump has continued “revising” his administration by reassigning Secretary of Defense and official White House Douchbro Pete Hegseth as special envoy to the Shield of Greenland, and Attorney General and amateur Botox tester Pam Bondi ambassador toContinue reading “Trump’s latest deformations”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump, believing he is running out of countries to bomb in the Middle East, said that with his global tariff campaign in jeopardy, he has ordered the Pentagon to invade Canada and Mexico. “Actually, the tariffs thing is just an excuse,” said Gen. Dan ‘Raizin’ Caine, Chairman of the JointContinue reading “Bombardier-in-Chief”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump says the $500-billion increase in military spending in his forthcoming budget will cover the cost of converting all Abrams tanks to coal power and the gold-plating of a dozen tanks to be stationed around the new White House ballroom. In addition, the budget calls for installing state-of-the-art gymnasiums inContinue reading “Indefensible”

By BRUCE LOWITT Tony Clark’s sudden resignation as executive director of the MLB Players Association followed an internal investigation which revealed that his “inappropriate” relationships involved not only his sister-in-law but also team mascots Phoebe Phanatic (the mother of Philadelphia’s Phillie Phanatic), Mrs. Met, (wife of New York’s Mr. Met), and Cincinnati’s Rosie Red. ThereContinue reading “Clark: All about character(s)”

By BRUCE LOWITT A second aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald R. Ford, has been ordered to the Middle East by President Donald Trump despite warnings that the ship isn’t shipshape and, pretty soon, the crew might not be, either. Trump, whose naval expertise is limited to playing with toy boats in his bathtubs until heContinue reading “Shitshape”

By BRUCE LOWITT Sunday’s NBA All-Star Games program has been revised and the rest of the league’s season has been canceled after President Donald Trump issued an executive order banning what he called “excessively tall and not necessarily white migrants from remaining in our great country.” “If I had known that these men from shitholeContinue reading “A World Unwelcome”

By BRUCE LOWITT Melania, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’s $75-million blowjob of Donald Trump masquerading as a documentary, earned raves from the far-right media, with radio host Alex Jones calling it “the greatest American film since Birth of a Nation” and Breitbart News editor-in-chief Alex Marlow exclaiming, “It does for the First Lady what The JazzContinue reading ““Melania”: fabulous fellatio”