Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT An ad hoc Venezuelan military unit arrested U.S. President Donald Trump, his wife, Melania, and at least six high-ranking officials Saturday in retaliation for what the Caracas government called the illegal kidnapping of President Nicolás Maduro and his wife. The force reportedly consisted of seven Venezuelan dock workers, bouncers at three CaracasContinue reading ““Trump’s Southern Exposure””

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a meeting among members of the Trump Administration and select Congressional Republicans during a private party at Mar-a-Lago hosted by Deputy White House Chief of Staff, aspiring antisemite and confirmed xenophobe Stephen Miller, celebrating the 103rd anniversary of the Rosewood Massacre, when the Black town of Rosewood, Florida, wasContinue reading “War (huh, yeah), what is it good for? (Trump’s ego)”

By BRUCE LOWITT After the National Basketball Association said it had come to an agreement with soccer’s world governing body to establishing a pro basketball league in Europe, FIFA pronounced the NBA “full of shit and doesn’t know what the fuck it’s talking about.”Adam Silver, commissioner of the NBA, announced at a news conference that his league had met with dozensContinue reading “FIFA, nein. FIBA, oui.”

By BRUCE LOWITT After Donald Trump’s hand-picked Kennedy Center board, of which he is the chair, “surprised” him by voting to rename it “The Donald J. Trump and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts”, the president added his name to the George Washington Bridge, the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels, the RonaldContinue reading “Trump’s Lame Name Game”

By BRUCE LOWITT After his first Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad year as University of North Carolina’s head football coach, which might have equaled his last Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad year as head coach of the New England Patriots if it had gone on much longer, 73-year-old Bill Belichick decided to reallyContinue reading “Belichick: Housecleaning”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Miami Dolphins, desperate to stay in the NFL playoff hunt and taking a cue from the Indianapolis Colts, signed Dan Marino, their 64-year-old Hall of Fame quarterback, to their practice squad as a likely replacement for starter Tua Tagovailoa.“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Dolphins interim general manager Champ Kelly said,Continue reading “‘Tags’ out. Marino’s back”

By BRUCE LOWITT Bill Belichick, sick and tired of the threats to his safety by University of North Carolina Boosters who are sick and tired of the Tar Heels’ failure to achieve a winning record for all but seven of the past twenty-eight seasons, said he has approached the University of Massachusetts to inquire aboutContinue reading “Chucking Belichick”

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By BRUCE LOWITT The New York Giants fired head coach Brian Daboll after his wife, Beth, asked that they dismiss him “because as much as he loved the job and the players,” she said, “he was nothing short of insane when he got home after the games.” After granting her wish Monday, Giants owners John MaraContinue reading “Daboll out. Belichick back?”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Trump administration, in its pursuit of a totally white-bread United States, is reducing the number of refugees admitted to the country to one thousand and will limit them to one hundred white South Africans and nine hundred Swedish bikini models. Among the emigrating South Africans, at least half should be expertsContinue reading “Trump: ‘Screw Emma Lazarus’”