By BRUCE LOWITT
If President Donald Trump had anything to be happy about following his three-day summit and pajama party with Chinese counterpart Xi Jinping it was the “She still wants to sleep with you” fortune cookie he opened at the White House’s concluding state dinner.
But the befuddled American president disrupted the dignified proceedings by exclaiming, “Who wants to fuck me? Who are we talking about? Melania? Natalie? Stormy? … Oh, shit! Did I say that out loud?”
The question he asked – before shouting out the names he seemingly preferred – excluded several groups of potential bedmates: a growing number of Republicans in Congress, the vast majority of Democrats in Congress, and Pete Hegseth, although in the case of the Secretary of Defense, “blow” might be a more apropos answer.
“Pay no attention to the poles,” Trump wrote on his Truth Social media platform and broadcast as well on Trump TV, his new 24-hour YouTube livestream viewed primarily by incels and looksmaxxers. And he never explained whether the poles he was referring to are from Poland or in fire stations and strips joints.
The two leaders discussed the conflicts in Iran and Ukraine, with Trump saying the war in Iran “is about to end, maybe in a day or two, a week at the most … or a month … could be a month … or two months … or …” and that “a ceasefire in Ukraine is in place” despite Russia and Ukraine continuing to fire waves of rockets and drones at each other.
Xi, meanwhile, smiled and shook his head at Trump’s comments, saying only: “We’re not involved in any of that fighting, except we’re making a ton of money helping both sides out.
“And by the way, Mr. President,,” Xi added, “not that we’re thinking of getting, um, involved with you militarily, but how’s it going with the stockpile of bullets and rockets?”
As Xi turned away from Trump, a nearby microphone picked up the Chinese leader chuckling and telling Chinese ambassador to the United States He Lifeng, “That fat orange fuck’s still living in the seventies.”
Trump initially raised the issue of artificial intelligence – which he recently renamed “super intelligence” despite growing concerns among Republicans running for office in the November midterm elections that the president’s intelligence is more fake than artificial – and said the United States would “win the race for SI superiority.”
Xi countered that he “had to cancel my SI subscription when my wife caught me drooling over the Kate Upton swimsuit issue cover two years ago.”
Trump also invited Xi to view the new helipad at the White House, and stunned his entourage by welcoming the Chinese leader of a communist country and military rival into his secure and well-protected new helicopter.
“Oh, stop it,” Trump said to a staff member. “He was nice enough to show me his favorite new spy camera, so why shouldn’t I show him what we’ve developed?”
As the two leaders stepped out of the chopper, Trump said he was considering challenging Xi to a series of table tennis matches as a way of deciding whether Taiwan should be under Chinese control or remain an independent state.
But when Xi countered that the match should also determine whether Michigan should be under Canadian control or remain an American state, Trump withdrew his challenge, claiming a sudden attack of bone spurs.
