Norway still says ‘No way’

By BRUCE LOWITT

President Donald Trump said he is buying the Nobel Peace Prize, will replace the members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee with the Kennedy Center Board of Trustees and award it to himself “and if Norway doesn’t want to sell it, they’d better take to their air raid shelters, if they have any.”

Trump was enraged, as he is annually, by the refusal of the five-member Nobel Committee appointed by the Norwegian Parliament to name him the peace prize recipient, and instead awarding it to Navi Pillay, a human rights lawyer and international judge.

“What kind of name is that and what the fuck did that guy ever do to deserve it?” he growled. Advised that Pillay is an 85-year-old South African woman, Trump replied, “What has anyone from South Africa ever done to deserve any prize?”

Told that previous Peace Prize winners Desmond Tutu and Nelson Mandela, instrumental in ending apartheid, were among 11 South African Nobel laureates, Trump shot back, “When I rented apartheids in Queens I got my ass sued. Who the fuck are they? Did they sue me?”

Trump said his threat to attack Norway is not an idle one. “For one thing, they’re part of NATO and you know and I know, that group’s a bunch of pussies,” he said. “And whether Congress likes it or not, I’m going to pull us out of it with an executive order, and to hell with Section 1250A” of the National Defense Authorization Act, requiring an act of Congress to withdraw from NATO.

“I’m taking over the prize just like I did with Greenland because I deserve it more than anyone. I’ve gotten Israeli hostages returned, captured (former Venezuela leader) Nicolás Maduro. I’ve settled eight wars, more wars than anyone else in history. I should’ve won eight Nobel Peace Prizes,” he snarled, pronouncing it Noble.

He neglected to acknowledge that three of the wars – Israel-Hamas, Israel-Iran, and United States-Iran – haven’t exactly been settled.

Trump said he’s not the only American to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. “Secretary of War Pete Hegseth should get one for how he’s turned our military into the sexiest warfighting machine in the world,” he said. “And Acting Director David Venturella has made our Immigration snd Customs Enforcement (ICE) into a great peacekeeping force. Just look at Minneapolis.”

A year ago, when Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, she presented it to Trump in response to his wish to have won it.

Ms. Pillay, who learned of the award while at a law gathering in Germany, told the applauding audience, “If you clap a little bit more, I may share this prize with Trump. Or maybe I’ll give it to someone who suffered decades under a brutal tyrant – like Melania.”