Zelenskyy: Trump came and went

By BRUCE LOWITT
Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy urged the world’s leaders at the United Nations to “start choking Russian President Vladimir Putin,” saying he was misquoted, that he didn’t say they should try to choke Russia’s revenues these days “because that wouldn’t do Jack shit.”

Before his speech to the General Assembly he met met with his United States counterpart and admitted it was everything he could do to not throw up in his mouth a little when Donald Trump told him an agreement to end to the Russia-Ukraine war would occur “more quickly than people understand.”

Trump reportedly came in his pants when Natalie Harp, his executive assistant, inadvertently handed him printouts of photos she meant to send to the Trump impersonator she matched with on Tinder before giving him his planned U.N. speech.

“Trump then left the United Nations in a New York minute,” Zelenskyy said.

Ukraine’s president told the General Assembly that going after Russian income might impede its war efforts to some degree “but if they’ve got billions of rubles to spend on Western bribes … err … wedding ‘gifts’, they can’t be hurting all that much.”

Besides, Zelenskyy said, with Russia paying so much for crap like that as well as to influence the United States’ November midterm elections, there isn’t likely to be that much money to be diverted from its war effort.

“So if we can attack Putin’s throat instead of his treasury, I think we’ve got a pretty good chance of turning things around in Ukraine.” Then, pointing toward Western allies in the room, Zelenskyy added, “If you want to stop trading with the aggressor, not to mention putting a halt on buying Matryoshka and Cheburashka dolls, fine, but we doubt it’ll even dent their treasury.”

Earlier this week, Trump said Ukraine and Russia had agreed to a ceasefire, including a halt to aerial attacks on both sides which, he said, was creating a global fuel shortage that has doubled diesel fuel prices in the United States.

But, of course, there was no ceasefire.

“I’m not sure Russia is ready as of today,” the Ukrainian leader said after his meeting with Trump. “But, anyhow, we spoke about an energy ceasefire.”

Zelenskyy also said he is “willing to surrender at least one ‘y’ in each of my names to get the negotiations moving if that fucking meshugener Putin will just agree to stop letting that fat orange putz kiss his ass.”