If the suit fits …

By BRUCE LOWITT
Mar-a-Lago, President Donald Trump’s feloniously famous home, poses “imminent life-safety risks,” should be shut down and could be torn down, according to a statement from the Town of Palm Beach’s Code Enforcement Board.

Coincidentally (or not), the New York City Council met to determine whether Trump Tower in Manhattan requires demolition or should undergo major reconstruction and be renamed the Mamdani Trump Tower.

The safety-risk language is similar and in some cases identical to that used by the Trump-led board of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, D.C., warning that it will close and eventually be razed unless Trump’s name is placed prominently on the exterior.

“The name ‘Palm Beach’ used to mean wealth, glamour, class. But since you-know-who bought you-know-what, this community – not to mention a certain fat orange freak – has become a national joke, not to mention an international embarrassment,” said John C. “Skip” Randolph, who retired in 2024 after 44 years as town attorney, but has come out of retirement to lead the town’s case against Trump and his gaudy 126-room residence, private club, tax shelter and grifting headquarters.

The world learned about the innards of Mar-a-Lago in the summer of 2023 when the FBI released photos of thousands of documents, many classified “top secret,” stored in closets, a chandeliered bathroom and elsewhere, resulting in dozens of felony charges against Trump.

“Nothing says class like reading nuclear secrets while taking a dump under a chandelier,” late-night host Jimmy Kimmel said.

Since 2013 the Mar-a-Lago Club has faced 51 health-code violations, although a spokesperson proudly stated, “No one that we know of has actually died on the property of any diseases.”

Trump and the town have been embroiled in various discrimination lawsuits. He has repeatedly sued Palm Beach County over noise by aircraft flying into and out of a nearby airport. He had to move and shorten an 80-foot-tall flagpole on his lawn that violated town zoning codes.

“The guy’s a walking, talking lawsuit,” said Joanne O’Connor, the current Palm Beach Town Attorney who temporarily relinquished that role to Randolph “because Skip spent decades wallowing in litigious shit and I decided he deserved to be in on the kill when we finally shut down Trump’s dump for good.”

Trump, who has spent the better part of a decade denying any phallic inadequacies, was found by New York Supreme Court Judge Arthur Engoron to have lied about the size of his Trump Tower penthouse, claiming it was nearly triple its 11,000-square-foot actual size, and that it was valued at $327-million, or $29,738 per square foot.

“Ridiculous,” the judge said. “Back then only one New York City apartment had ever sold for as much as $100-million, with a square-foot price of under $10,000. Obviously Trump was sucking helium to come up with his gross numbers.

“And as long as I’m at it,” Engoron added, “have you seen the overpriced tchotchkes he’s selling in the lobby? A hundred and twenty bucks for a shopping bag? A hundred for a used sweater? I mean, holy dreck!”