Category Archives: Uncategorized

By BRUCE LOWITT Juan Soto used the $765-million contract he signed with the Mets as collateral to buy the Miami Marlins on Monday, then engineered a trade of himself to the Florida team “because living in shithole New York for one year was long enough,” he said, “and who wants to pay state income taxesContinue reading “Soto takes the money and runs”

By BRUCE LOWITT Aaron Rodgers fired New York Jets owner Woody Johnson on Thursday, taking control of the pathetic franchise which hasn’t made the postseason since 2010, the longest playoff drought of any team not just in the NFL but in the NBA, NHL, Major League Baseball, Major League Soccer, and pretty much every LittleContinue reading “It’s officially Mr. Rodgers’ neighborhood now”

By BRUCE LOWITT In a dramatic and unprecedented decision, Judge Juan Merchan ruled Wednesday that Donald Trump’s presidency be halted “for up to four years” until his criminal conviction for falsifying records to cover up a sex scandal can be sorted out. “I do not come to this ‘Solomonic’ compromise easily,” Merchan, an acting justiceContinue reading “Hitting pause, and possibly reset”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a secret meeting Tuesday in Vice President-elect JD Vance’s Senate Office Building, from a recording made by one of the attendees who provided it on condition of anonymity lest they become a victim of an over-eager supporter of President-elect Donald Trump: Sen. JD Vance, R-Megalomania: “… didn’t tell youContinue reading “Hillbilly Eligibility”

By BRUCE LOWITT A federal judge ruled Wednesday that Donald Trump did, in fact, win the presidency in 2020, thereby disqualifying him from serving a third term, throwing out the results of Tuesday’s vote and naming runner-up Kamala Harris the duly elected president.The stunning announcement by U.S. District Judge Alvin Hellerstein, ruling in favor ofContinue reading “Uh, hold on, Donald …”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump’s “October Surprise,” sitting in a garbage truck last Wednesday, and Kamala Harris’ “November Surprise,” appearing on Saturday Night Live, have apparently caused dramatic shifts in swing-state polls on the eve of Tuesday’s presidential election. A week ago the polls in Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin hadContinue reading ““And the survey says …””

By BRUCE LOWITT Republicans in Congress are defending Donald Trump and his speakers who appeared at their controversial Madison Square Garden rally, with Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Cancun, proclaiming, “Some of my best friends are spi- … uh, Hispanics.” The Canadian-born Cruz, a son of twice-divorced Cuban-American evangelist Rafael Bienvenido Cruz y Diaz, is among theContinue reading “GOP: Defending the indefensible”

By BRUCE LOWITT A not-entirely-accurate transcription of e-mails and texts received from presidential and congressional candidates during the past week, as Election Day approaches. The political parties are not identified although anyone with half a brain can probably discern which is which. NOTE: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. may not be able to discern which isContinue reading “We need your money NOW! REALLY!!”

By BRUCE LOWITT LeBron James vowed Wednesday to “never again step on the same court with that incompetent, ball-hogging son of mine” after 20-year-old Bronny James repeatedly ignored his father’s shouts to “pass me the fucking ball” during the Los Angeles Lakers’ season-opening game Tuesday night. Although he scored 16 points while playing 34½ minutesContinue reading “Bronny James fails passing”

By BRUCE LOWITT “She talks about her elegance, her style, her wealth, her beauty and her insistence on perfection, but in private she talks – and swears – like a Teamster.” So begins Malaria, an Unauthorized Biography, by Tony Schwartz, author of Trump: The Art of the Deal. According to Schwartz, Malaria is based onContinue reading “Malaria: Interview with a pussy”