Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT The National Republican Congressional Committee announced Thursday that the $14.3-million it raised in June will be devoted to the campaign of soon-to-be-former Democratic New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez – running as an independent in Delaware. “When Dr. (Mehmet) Oz lived in New Jersey and ran for the Senate in Pennsylvania, even thoughContinue reading “Menendez and the GOP: In-Dependent”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump, expressing buyer’s remorse and panicking over the likelihood of having to campaign against Kamala Harris, jettisoned J.D. Vance as his vice presidential candidate Monday and began a desperate and so-far-unsuccessful search for what he called “a pansy running mate who’ll make me even more likeable.” After meeting with several ofContinue reading “Trump’s Queer Theory”

By BRUCE LOWITT Rory McIlroy celebrated missing the cut at the British Open by jumping in front of a speeding car driven by Tiger Woods Saturday as they left the Royal Troon Golf Club – and Woods, who had missed most of his shots for two days and also missed the cut, missed McIlroy asContinue reading “The Open: Closed to Rory and Tiger”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a recording of the meeting of the Republican National Committee (RNC), the Freedom Caucus, and the Heritage Foundation to formulate the framework of Project 2029, to be implemented upon the 2028 election of then-Vice President Marjorie Taylor Greene to become the 48th President of the United States in theContinue reading “From furor to Führer”

By BRUCE LOWITT The glorious and romantic Seine River that flows through Paris turns out to be so polluted and deadly that the 2024 Summer Olympics’ marathon swimming and triathlon events will be moved to the Loire, the Rhone, the Rhine or possibly the Mississippi River. “We’re not ruling that last one out,” Bruno LeContinue reading “In Seine? Pas de putain de moyen!”

By BRUCE LOWITT Human garbage disposal Joey Chestnut, 16-time champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, exploded early Friday morning, setting a nearby hillside ablaze just hours after eating 57 plant-based weiners in five minutes at a rival competition at Fort Bliss, Texas. Chestnut, 41, who was banned from the Nathan’s contest after signingContinue reading “Chestnut’s roasting”

By BRUCE LOWITT Rudy Giuliani lost his New York law license and just about everything else except his underwear on Tuesday. The former star federal prosecutor, once hailed as “America’s Mayor” for his leadership in the wake of the 2001 attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, Giuliani spent the past fewContinue reading “Rudy 000: Licensed to do nothing”

By BRUCE LOWITT In his first official presidential act since the Supreme Court’s decision Monday granting immunity for all official presidential acts, Joe Biden ordered the assassination of his predecessor and competitor for the White House. “I used to think that I’d enjoy watching my opponent wearing a complexion-matching jumpsuit as he was being marchedContinue reading “Courting Disaster”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Los Angeles Lakers’ drafting of LeBron James’ son, Bronny, has ignited a wave of reactions by other NBA players insisting that teams sign their kids. “If the Lakers can see fit to signing LeBron’s untested 19-year-old for a million-or-so bucks a year for three years until they admit he’s not goodContinue reading “The Lakers: Just Kidding”

By BRUCE LOWITT The line of senators, congressmen, governors, mayors, city councilors, millionaires, billionaires, televangelists, and others extended out of the U.S. Supreme Court, along First Street and down Maryland Avenue as they waited to discuss what they called hypothetical business arrangements. “Let’s say,” reclusive multibillionaire and MAGA superfan Timothy Mellon asked Associate Justice ClarenceContinue reading “You can’t spell COURT without CORRUPT”