Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT In a dramatic and unprecedented decision, Judge Juan Merchan ruled Wednesday that Donald Trump’s presidency be halted “for up to four years” until his criminal conviction for falsifying records to cover up a sex scandal can be sorted out. “I do not come to this ‘Solomonic’ compromise easily,” Merchan, an acting justiceContinue reading “Hitting pause, and possibly reset”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a secret meeting Tuesday in Vice President-elect JD Vance’s Senate Office Building, from a recording made by one of the attendees who provided it on condition of anonymity lest they become a victim of an over-eager supporter of President-elect Donald Trump: Sen. JD Vance, R-Megalomania: “… didn’t tell youContinue reading “Hillbilly Eligibility”

By BRUCE LOWITT A federal judge ruled Wednesday that Donald Trump did, in fact, win the presidency in 2020, thereby disqualifying him from serving a third term, throwing out the results of Tuesday’s vote and naming runner-up Kamala Harris the duly elected president.The stunning announcement by U.S. District Judge Alvin Hellerstein, ruling in favor ofContinue reading “Uh, hold on, Donald …”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump’s “October Surprise,” sitting in a garbage truck last Wednesday, and Kamala Harris’ “November Surprise,” appearing on Saturday Night Live, have apparently caused dramatic shifts in swing-state polls on the eve of Tuesday’s presidential election. A week ago the polls in Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, North Carolina, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin hadContinue reading ““And the survey says …””

By BRUCE LOWITT Republicans in Congress are defending Donald Trump and his speakers who appeared at their controversial Madison Square Garden rally, with Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Cancun, proclaiming, “Some of my best friends are spi- … uh, Hispanics.” The Canadian-born Cruz, a son of twice-divorced Cuban-American evangelist Rafael Bienvenido Cruz y Diaz, is among theContinue reading “GOP: Defending the indefensible”

By BRUCE LOWITT A not-entirely-accurate transcription of e-mails and texts received from presidential and congressional candidates during the past week, as Election Day approaches. The political parties are not identified although anyone with half a brain can probably discern which is which. NOTE: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. may not be able to discern which isContinue reading “We need your money NOW! REALLY!!”

By BRUCE LOWITT LeBron James vowed Wednesday to “never again step on the same court with that incompetent, ball-hogging son of mine” after 20-year-old Bronny James repeatedly ignored his father’s shouts to “pass me the fucking ball” during the Los Angeles Lakers’ season-opening game Tuesday night. Although he scored 16 points while playing 34½ minutesContinue reading “Bronny James fails passing”

By BRUCE LOWITT “She talks about her elegance, her style, her wealth, her beauty and her insistence on perfection, but in private she talks – and swears – like a Teamster.” So begins Malaria, an Unauthorized Biography, by Tony Schwartz, author of Trump: The Art of the Deal. According to Schwartz, Malaria is based onContinue reading “Malaria: Interview with a pussy”

By BRUCE LOWITT New York Jets owner Woody Johnson, who all but climaxed when he met Aaron Rodgers before the 2023 NFL Draft and decided to trade away a chunk of the team’s future for Green Bay’s 39-year-old quarterback, admits that he should have fired himself and some of his staff Tuesday instead of headContinue reading “It’s Mr. Rodgers’ neighborhood after all”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Republican Party admitted Monday that it has been using AI in the presidential campaign and that JD Vance is actually a deep fake, that no such candidate exists, and that Donald Trump will name himself vice president as well if he wins next month’s election.“We got away with it as longContinue reading “JD is AI”