Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday designating English as the official language of the United States and bullshit as the official language of the White House. “Lets face it, ninety-five percent of what I say is one hundred percent crap,” Trump said in an inadvertent moment of candor. “Greenland? TheContinue reading “Trump: Watch my language”

By BRUCE LOWITT When Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Carapace, announced he wouldn’t seek reelection next year, numerous Republican legislators expressed surprise, saying they thought the former Kentucky coal miner had actually died last year. McConnell used his 83rd birthday Thursday to reveal that he had, in fact, been alive for the 2024 campaign and election ofContinue reading “Mitch’s final shell game”

By BRUCE LOWITT In a case of potential collusion almost guaranteed to wind up in federal court, all but one of the 32 National Football League teams have decided – separately and not in concert, they insist – to avoid picking up the phone when Aaron Rodgers’ name appears on their Caller ID.“Why the hellContinue reading ““Hi, it’s Aaron Rodg … Hello? Hello?””

By BRUCE LOWITT Embattled New York City Mayor Eric Adams was appointed Wednesday by President Donald Trump to the newly created post of Deputy Executive Assistant Vice President after Adams resigned his office following the resignations by four of his deputy mayors and the rest of his staff at both City Hall and his GracieContinue reading “Eric Adams: into the abyss”

By BRUCE LOWITT With the NBA All-Star weekend “sucking as much if not more than the Washington Wizards,” Commissioner Adam Silver said Monday, the league and Qatari-owned beIN Sports USA, the only channel willing to pay anything to televise the events, will make drastic changes to next year’s, highlighted by Curry Roulette and a barebackContinue reading “NBA All-Star Game: a makeover”

By BRUCE LOWITT Robert F. Kennedy Jr., confirmed by the Senate Thursday as health and human services secretary, was briefly hospitalized when he refused medication to counter the rabies symptoms he experienced during a celebratory lunch with Sen. Cynthia Lummis, R-Cryptoqueen, in her Washington, D.C., office.Lummis, an avid hunter of anything in Wyoming with fourContinue reading “RFK Jr.: bearly confirmed”

By BRUCE LOWITT House Republicans released a budget resolution Wednesday calling for $100-trillion in tax cuts for people earning over $1-million, plus eliminating all military spending, shuttering a dozen federal agencies, increasing the debt ceiling by $50-trillion, and requiring all remaining federal employees to drive Teslas bought and paid for with profits from the government’sContinue reading “A dollar here, a dollar there”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a debate among King Farouk I of Egypt, President Shukri Kuwatly of Syria, President Bechara Khoury of Lebanon, King Abdullah of Jordan and King Faisal II of Iraq on the evening of May 14, 1948, minutes after David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the establishment of the State of Israel: Abdullah: “…Continue reading “Palestine Solutions: Then and Now”

By BRUCE LOWITT Transcript of the actual inaugural speech by President Donald Trump following his swearing-in on Monday. The speech that was televised and broadcast was a substitute AI version provided by White House technical services. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. (Applause diesContinue reading “Trump: Me, me, me. Also me.”

By BRUCE LOWITT Transcript of a conversation at Mar-a-Lago involving President-elect Donald Trump, soon-to-be deputy chief of staff to President Trump Stephen Miller, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, and Trump campaign speechwriters Vince Haley and Ross Worthington. The recording was provided by a former Mar-a-Lago employee who insisted on total anonymity because he also helpedContinue reading “Next: even more Trump fantasies”