Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump angrily demanded Friday that Justice Juan Merchan reverse his decision to postpone Trump’s sentencing in his porn star hush money trial from Sept. 18 until Nov. 26, “because without the threat of jail before the presidential election, how am I supposed to run as a martyr?” “My millions – myContinue reading “Merchan: “Stand back and stand by””

By BRUCE LOWITT Frustrated by what he called “all the bitching and moaning” over decisions in women’s gymnastics and other sports in Paris, International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach announced Tuesday that “all events involving judging have been eliminated from all future Games.”After meeting with the IOC’s executive board, Bach said, it was agreed thatContinue reading “Judge not, lest ye be screwed”

By BRUCE LOWITT Former president, current felon and future cadaver Donald Trump has been banned from all burial grounds in the United States, both military and civilian, following his inglorious behavior Monday at Arlington National Cemetery (ANC). Ahead of his visit, ANC officials told Trump’s entourage he could visit gravesites in Section 60, where recentContinue reading “Trump: Not ‘grounded’ – ever”

By BRUCE LOWITT After going “back to the drawing board” following a wave of protests over plans to make changes to Florida’s state parks, Gov. Ron DeSantis said Thursday he will add burn pits and bombing ranges to his original plans for hotels, golf courses and pickle ball courts. “I can see now why FloridiansContinue reading “Parks and Wreckreation”

By BRUCE LOWITT Announcing that “the worm has turned,” former president and current felon Donald Trump named former rival and current mental case Robert F. Kennedy Jr. co-chair of his transition team, presumably to help him deal with his eventual transition from Mar-a-Lago to a federal facility.Additionally, Trump added former Democratic congresswoman and current FoxContinue reading “Bobby and Tulsi: Subtraction by Addition”

By BRUCE LOWITT A disciplinary board for the District of Columbia Bar has determined that Jeffrey Clark should be suspended from practice for two years. Clark, appointed in September 2020 by then-President Donald Trump as acting head of the U.S. Department of Justice’s Civil Division, was identified as an unindicted co-conspirator in Trump’s attempt toContinue reading “Clark Bar? No. Bar Clark”

By BRUCE LOWITT Following a series of what Paris Olympic organizers called “completely predictable unfortunate events including diseases, disappearances and altered physiques,” the remaining marathon swimming events in the River Seine were canceled Monday.“We believe that after testing the athletes and discovering some, ahem, ‘unexplained problems’, we have decided that subjecting competitors to whatever’s goingContinue reading “In-Seine? Out”

By BRUCE LOWITT Felonious candidate Donald Trump, not exactly admitting his mistake in selecting J.D. Vance as his vice presidential running mate, announced Friday that the Ohio senator has “volunteered to step down” and has been replaced by Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley. “D.J. – that’s what I call J.D. since we’re so close and I’mContinue reading “Add-Vance … Retreat”

By BRUCE LOWITT The National Republican Congressional Committee announced Thursday that the $14.3-million it raised in June will be devoted to the campaign of soon-to-be-former Democratic New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez – running as an independent in Delaware. “When Dr. (Mehmet) Oz lived in New Jersey and ran for the Senate in Pennsylvania, even thoughContinue reading “Menendez and the GOP: In-Dependent”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump, expressing buyer’s remorse and panicking over the likelihood of having to campaign against Kamala Harris, jettisoned J.D. Vance as his vice presidential candidate Monday and began a desperate and so-far-unsuccessful search for what he called “a pansy running mate who’ll make me even more likeable.” After meeting with several ofContinue reading “Trump’s Queer Theory”