Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT New York Jets owner Woody Johnson, who all but climaxed when he met Aaron Rodgers before the 2023 NFL Draft and decided to trade away a chunk of the team’s future for Green Bay’s 39-year-old quarterback, admits that he should have fired himself and some of his staff Tuesday instead of headContinue reading “It’s Mr. Rodgers’ neighborhood after all”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Republican Party admitted Monday that it has been using AI in the presidential campaign and that JD Vance is actually a deep fake, that no such candidate exists, and that Donald Trump will name himself vice president as well if he wins next month’s election.“We got away with it as longContinue reading “JD is AI”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump, speaking in Georgia after criticizing Vice President Kamala Harris for not visiting storm-ravaged states, thanked God Monday for Hurricane Helene so he could tell voters how much he could do for them. “If I was still running the country, none of this would have ever happened,” the former president-turned-felon said.Continue reading “Trump’s latest favorite Storm(y)”

By BRUCE LOWITT Mark Robinson, facing multiple controversies over his alleged inflammatory comments on a porn site a decade ago and the resignation of all of his top campaign aides, withdrew Thursday from the North Carolina gubernatorial race and announced his candidacy to replace New York City Mayor Eric Adams. “I’m sick of all theContinue reading “Mr. Robinson’s new neighborhood?”

By BRUCE LOWITT Portion of the first draft of a script, a one-act comedy tentatively titled “Washingtons of Shit,” written by Steve Martin, masquerading as Steven Miller. Recovered from a dumpster behind Beresovsky’s Deli in Washington, D.C. (The only pages not completely covered in schmaltz.) (Cast: Dom DeLuise as Donald Trump, Trae Crowder as J.D.Continue reading “Washingtons of …”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump’s aides, panicking over Taylor Swift’s endorsement of Vice President Kamala Harris, have begun lining up “celebrities” to support the former president’s campaign, starting with David Caruso, Vanilla Ice, and Pamela Anderson.“Yeah, well, we’ve been calling a lot of A-list people,” Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s campaign manager, said Saturday, “but since thatContinue reading “Trump’s not-so-Swift response”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump angrily demanded Friday that Justice Juan Merchan reverse his decision to postpone Trump’s sentencing in his porn star hush money trial from Sept. 18 until Nov. 26, “because without the threat of jail before the presidential election, how am I supposed to run as a martyr?” “My millions – myContinue reading “Merchan: “Stand back and stand by””

By BRUCE LOWITT Frustrated by what he called “all the bitching and moaning” over decisions in women’s gymnastics and other sports in Paris, International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach announced Tuesday that “all events involving judging have been eliminated from all future Games.”After meeting with the IOC’s executive board, Bach said, it was agreed thatContinue reading “Judge not, lest ye be screwed”

By BRUCE LOWITT Former president, current felon and future cadaver Donald Trump has been banned from all burial grounds in the United States, both military and civilian, following his inglorious behavior Monday at Arlington National Cemetery (ANC). Ahead of his visit, ANC officials told Trump’s entourage he could visit gravesites in Section 60, where recentContinue reading “Trump: Not ‘grounded’ – ever”

By BRUCE LOWITT After going “back to the drawing board” following a wave of protests over plans to make changes to Florida’s state parks, Gov. Ron DeSantis said Thursday he will add burn pits and bombing ranges to his original plans for hotels, golf courses and pickle ball courts. “I can see now why FloridiansContinue reading “Parks and Wreckreation”