By BRUCE LOWITT
With Donald Trump in charge of the circular firing squad, his administration and a swath of Congressional Republican have taken aim at Pete Hegseth, JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Jared Kushner, and a barrel full of other cabinet members and presidential appointees as the reason Democrats slaughtered the GOP in the midterm elections.
But Trump, latching on to any number of other bizarre reasons for the blue tsunami that cost his party control of the Senate and the House of Representatives, declined to accept any blame for the outcome despite having told voters beforehand to cast their ballot as though his name was at the top of it … which they apparently did.
“We’ve won the war Iran, which will become official in a day or week or month,” Trump said, “so my supporters figured the stellar candidates I endorsed didn’t need their vote, so they stayed home to watch NCIS or Dancing with the Stars or WWE wrestling or whatever shit the TV networks were putting on. Maybe people were right about MAGA supporters not being all that smart.”
Ths president then resumed his American Gold Standard tour, showing off pictures of his favorite gold-plated American Standard toilets, along with posters of what the White House ballroom, the Presidential Arch and other American Dreck will look like before America gives him a gold watch when he retires on January 20, 2029.
Meanwhile, Vice President Vance, the lone cabinet member who expressed any reservations about attacking Iran, was leading a pack of Republicans salivating at the idea of sending Hegseth, Trump’s Secretary of War, back to Fox News, or something even worse.
“I know there’s going to be impeachment hearings,” Vance said. “I won’t be testifying against Hegseth because that’ll fuck up my campaign for 2028, but I can offer tons of dirt for those who do. Like why he’s so hot for testosterone. He stands in front of his office mirror for hours in his tighty-whities and makes these Charles Atlas poses and he’s so pissed about how he looks that he takes it out on the military, like muscles will replace all the weapons we’re missing because he … Oh, fuck. Forget it.”
Vance has taken a few gut shots of his own because he has failed to, as he secretly promised in a meeting with Congressional leaders, rein in the president. “When the war started, JD said he could get the president to end it in a week or two by telling everybody we’d won,” one 93-year-old senator said, speaking anonymously. “Wait. What were we talking about?”
Hegseth, meanwhile, was leveling blasts at Rubio, the Secretary of State, White House National Security Advisor, and failed negotiator in earlier attempts at peace talks with Iran. “Why doesn’t he just quit his jobs and get on with running for president,” Hegseth said. “We all know that’s what he wants and we all know that he’s too much of a pussy to ever get it. I mean, I’ve seen him with his shirt off. Does nothing for me.”
Kushner, the president’s son-in-law, and special envoy Steve Witkoff, a pair of billionaire real estate developers and cosplaying Middle East negotiators, deflected Hegseth’s “they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing out there” complaints by blasting Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent for having pitched several stocks to them on Wednesday afternoon when the market was hot. They jumped on the stocks when the market opened Thursday, just in times to see the Dow Jones plunge 1,833 points, costing them millions of dollars.
“Why doesn’t Hegseth stick to what he doesn’t know about war,” Kushner growled, “and leave what nobody knows about other shit to the rest of us?”
