Counting Sheep

By BRUCE LOWITT

Wyoming’s Republican-run government has filed suit, urging a federal judge to allow the state to halt the certification of votes in a pivotal midterm U.S. Senate race, writing that the Trump Administration insists the presence of sheep on the ballot may confuse male voters.

“You know Wyoming’s motto, ‘Where the men are men and the sheep are nervous,’” State Senate President Bo Biteman said. “Well, I know a lot of cowboys who’ve spent more time than they should on the range, have established, um, relationships with Ovis Aries to the point that they believe they belong in their house, not to mention the Senate.

“There could be a wave of write-in candidates voting for Merino, thinking he – or she, I mean what do I know? – deserves to be elected instead of our fine candidate, Rep. Harriet Hageman, or her communist opponent, James W. Byrd II,” Biteman said. “I mean I discovered only last month that Merino is the world’s most influential breed of sheep that produces the finest ultra-soft wool. I thought he, or she, was a local Italian-born fashion designer. It turns out – take a look at this suit – I’m wearing him … or her.”

Kelly H. Rankin, Chief Judge of the U.S. District Court of Wyoming, set a deadline of 3 a.m. Tuesday on whether to toss out the suit – the one on paper, not Biteman’s – saying the estimated 350,000 sheep, more than half of the state’s human population of 588,753 as of July 2025, “deserve to be heard, if not herded. Y’get it? Heard? Herded? … Never mind.”

Rankin also said Wyoming’s citizens’ capability to make a rational decision in the voting booth also concerns him since the mostly rural state has a serious shortage of mental health professionals as well as a high rate of gun-related deaths. “Combine those with an argument over which candidate or sheep should win,” he said, “and you’ve got the makings of serious fatalities – or barbecue.”