Unconventional

By BRUCE LOWITT
Thursday's second night of President Donald Trump's Republican Midterm Convention was blacked out in the United States after Fox News, Newsmax and other conservative broadcast networks expressed fears of a billion-dollar lawsuit by Jimmy Kimmel and the ABC Network.

Kimmel pulled an interview with Texas Democratic U.S. Senate candidate James Talarico from his Thursday night show due to threats of scrutiny by the Federal Communications Commission, saying it would be broadcast instead on YouTube, “which we know has millions more midnight dopers and tweakers than the geezers who try to stay awake viewing my program.”

“But the FCC is making all sorts of noise about a 'fairness doctrine' and politicians on TV,” Kimmel said, “and obviously it's unfair for Fox and other networks to give certain Republican politicians hours of air time without providing equal time to Democratic candidates who might weigh hundreds of pounds less and have more natural skin tones and normal-shaped ankles and don't want to fuck their daughter or a printer-wielding sycophantic acolyte.”

Critics called the convention “the greatest circle jerk since the League of Nations, or maybe the opening monologue of every Oscar and Grammy awards show.” 

Trump's nearly two-hour harangue received special mention from Memento Mori, the magazine of the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association, “for promoting our business like nobody's business.”

The president, recalling the good old days of the promised $5,000 DOGE checks paid directly to taxpayers, and the promised $2,000 payments to Americans funded from tariffs, and the promised $1,000 to $1,500 payments into Americans' healthcare accounts, none of which was paid, wowed the crowd with … wait for it … the promise of a $5,000 check to every adult American after the midterm elections if the GOP retains control of Congress.

With one small hitch. 

It'll happen, Trump promised, he said, “when pigs fly. Also when Hell freezes over, when a cow jumps over the moon and when Melania blows me. The real problem is that last one.”

Trump, in his infinite wisdom, scheduled the first night of of his party's flatulence up against the opening game of the NFL season, a Seattle-New England rematch of Super Bowl LX.

“I did that on purpose,” he said. “When I tried to buy the Buffalo Bills, the league told me to fuck off, so this is my payback, making sure Wednesday night's game got beaten in the ratings.”

The game drew an estimated 28-million viewers while the first night of the convention had fewer viewers than The Real Housewives of Peoria, The Real Housewives of Bangladesh, The Real Housewives of   Pietermaritzburg, and reruns of My Mother The Car. 

“No matter,” he said. “We had a total in-house sellout,” with thousands of spectators apparently paying thousands of dollars to come to the American Airlines Center disguised as empty coach seats in an American Airlines' 28-year-old  Airbus A320-200.

“Besides,” Trump added, “we won't make that mistake again. We're going to have another convention on October twenty-third, just eleven days before the November third midterms and everyone will be tuning in that Friday night because the NFL doesn't play on Fridays.”

Everyone, that is, who isn't watching that night's opening game of the World Series.

“Fuck,” Trump said.