Letters, we get letters …

By BRUCE LOWITT
Fellow Dakotan,
The Dakotas are states made up of rural highways, small towns and tight-knit communities where taking care of your neighbor and telling the truth are paramount. That's why I've spent much of the past six months putting thousands of miles on my own pickup truck traveling to the 119 counties of North and South Dakota.
I'm Aaron Phlegm, farmer and former U.S. Army Airborne paratrooper who served tours of duty in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Venezuela and earned a Bronze Star and a Purple Nurple. Now I've decided it's time for me to serve Americans back home – as soon as I can figure out where my home is.
My father, a lumberjack, moved us all around the Dakotas, looking for work. I never knew on which side of the state line we lived, so I'm trying to run for office on both sides until I can figure out where my roots are.
If you can spare $10, $20, or more to fund my campaign, wherever it turns out to be, I would be most grateful. And I'll run as a Democrat or as a Republican, depending on who gives me more money. Donate to OneSideOrTheOther.com and thank you.
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Achtung, y'all,
I'm aspiring Obergruppenfuhrer Brandon Herrera. The Freedom Caucus Fund is supporting me and now I'm coming for you – or, more accurately, your help.
I need money to counter the accusations of extremism and antisemitism being hurled at me by opponents and only you can show those Jew-loving, gun-hating, socialist pansies that I'm the man to represent you and the rest of Texas in Congress.
AIPAC, which wants the United States to support anything and everything Israel wants to do, has run advertisements claiming I am a neo-Nazi, which I find personally offensive because I'm not “neo” anything.
And as for my Holocaust and German ghetto-blaster and Hitler street-sweeper lines, if my opponents don't understand my dark humor, that's on them. I think that shit is funnier than MLK Jr's., “I have a Dream.”
I'm counting on you to donate $5, $50, $500, or as much or as little as you can to LoneStarFuhrer.com that will enable me to become the representative you will look up to in the future and forever.
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Friend,
I know you are receive many numerous requests for donations. This one is very truly urgent.
It is not often than a Yakut from Siberia travels to the Georgia Bulloch County with dream of making himself grapefruit farmer, then decides he is to make run for seat in your American Congress.
That was my dream as I traverse North America, but fell short of goals after I bought what I am thinking was prime grapefruit land in Statesboro, Georgia, that is turn out to be disease-infested swamp, failed to raise thousands of dollars I am needed to file to run for office, become bankrupt, and was arrest for trying to hold up ACE Cash Express office.
That's why I'm ask you to contribute $5, $10, or whatever you afford to UYGULAAN.com so I can post bail, defend myself, and then hope I maybe represent you in Congress. 
I use грознуть, which is Russian version of Grok, to writing this.
Thanking you.
Uygulaan Sleptsov
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GOP Pal,
We are dangerously close to losing our majority in the House of Representatives and I feel it is essential to defeat Dumocrat incumbent Lois Frankel. That's why I'm calling upon you to donate whatever you can to $$,$$$,$$$.org to help me defeat her.
It's not often that a billionaire, which I am, asks for support, but I hesitate to contribute to what might be a losing campaign since my divorce last year cost me around $15-million and my two children would be pissed if I squander any more of their inheritance. I didn't become known as “the happiest billionaire in the world” by throwing my money away.
If you would like to be part of what could be a winning and, for you, very profitable run for office if I succeed in joining the Trump Griftopolis, welcome aboard. Your support will be duly noted.
Dr. Herbert “Herbie” Wertheim
Palm Beach and Manalapan. Florida