Approaching the Finish Line

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a Zoom conference call involving President Donald Trump, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Vice President JD Vance, Middle East Envoy Steve Witkoff, and presidential son-in-law Jared Kushner, preceding the announcement of a deal that could lead to the end of the war with Iran.
Trump: “… but before we start, can someone get me another Coke?”
Hegseth: “I don’t have any Coke but if you’d like some bourbon, I …”
Vance: “Shut up, Pete. Jared, grab a Coke for daddy.”
Trump: “Thanks, junior. Now before we do anything else, all in favor say ‘aye’.”
Rubio: “Wait. What are we voting for?”
Trump: “Anything I say or do. I just want to make sure we’re all on the same page. Also, I like hearing everyone agreeing with me. So all in favor say ‘aye’.”
Multiple voices: “Aye.”
Trump: “All those opposed. Great …”
Kushner: “Neigh.”
Trump: “What?”
Kushner: “Neigh.”
Rubio: “It’s ‘nay.’ Who says neigh?”
Kushner: “A horse…”
Rubio: “Wait. What?”
Kushner: “… is a horse, of course, of course.”
Hegseth: “And no one can talk to a horse, of course.”
Witkoff: “That is, of course, unless the horse …”
Multiple voices: “… is the famous Mister Ed!”
Trump: “Boy, that show was funny. Imagine a talking horse. Okay, now everyone shut up. We have to deal with the Iran, uh, thing.”
Vance: “Thing?”
Trump: Look, here’s the problem. For months I’ve been saying it’s settled, then it’s almost settled, then we’ve won, then it’s close, then we’re going to win, then we’re winning, then we …”
Witkoff: “Okay, we get the point.”
Trump: “Right. So I can’t say it’s over without something in writing, but we’re this close to it being over and claiming final, total, complete, however-the-fuck-you-say-it victory. I need a tiny bit of wiggle room for when this whole thing comes apart.”
Rubio: “So?”
Trump: “So we need to call it something else.”
Hegseth: “Like what?”
Trump: “That’s what you geniuses have to come up with.”
Witkoff: “How about ‘compromise’?”
Trump: “No. Absolutely not. That says we actually gave them something.”
Vance: “An understanding?”
Trump: “Uh-uh. For one thing, who can understand, much less believe, anything they say?”
Rubio: “Agreement?”
Trump: “Close. But I want them agreeing to everything and us, um, not so much. Shows weakness.”
Rubio: “Gentlemen’s agreement?”
Trump: “Oh, please.”
Kushner: “Arrangement?”
Trump: Well, that sounds like we’re getting ready to agree, and I don’t want anyone thinking we still have negotiating to do.”
Vance: “Settlement?”
Trump: “Y’know, the more I think about it, the less I like it. I mean, the whole thing sucks and no matter what we call it, it sounds like we didn’t actually win, and the whole point of it was winning … or making it sound like we won, even if we didn’t win anything.”
Rubio: “So what do you want to do?”
Trump: “Bomb the shit out of them, destroy their nukes, obliterate their navy, blockade the strait and force regime change.”
Kushner: “But dad, isn’t that what …?”
Trump: “All in favor, say ‘aye’.”
Kushner: “Wait…”
Multiple voices: “Aye’.”
A voice from the next room: “Neigh.”
Trump: “Who’s that?”
“Hello, Wilbur …”