Category Archives: Uncategorized

By BRUCE LOWITT The Pittsburgh Steelers were fined $1-million Monday by the National Football League after it discovered that the team had used an AI-controlled robotic quarterback in place of Aaron Rodgers to throw four touchdown passes Sunday in its 34-32 victory over the New York Jets.“Pulling a stunt like this could permanently damage theContinue reading “Rodgersgate”

By BRUCE LOWITT With a ballooning state budget, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said he expects the cost of educating the state’s schoolchildren “to drop by at least fifty percent in the coming years, saving millions of dollars, maybe even billions, once our ‘No Needles’ plan takes effect.” Dr. Joseph Ladapo, the state’s surgeon general, announcedContinue reading “DeathSantis be not proud”

By BRUCE LOWITT The University of North Carolina’s Bill Belichick said today that, based on the Monday night outcome of his debut as head coach of the Tar Heels, he has decided to swap jobs with 24-year-old girlfriend Jordan Hudson for the remainder of the football season. “I know I told Good Morning America thatContinue reading “Belichick knows what he doesn’t know”

By BRUCE LOWITT Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has clarified his statement that he could diagnose children with “mitochondrial challenges” by eating some of their hair, explaining, “Actually, I’d also have to drink some of their pee.”Symptoms of mitochondrial disorders include muscle weakness, a failing nervous system, brain and heart malfunctions,Continue reading “CDC + RFK Jr. = FUBAR”

By BRUCE LOWITT Under an agreement between the NCAA and the NFL, Jim Harbaugh will be barred from coaching the Los Angeles Chargers’ first 12 games, and possibly more, this season as punishment for a sign-stealing scandal dating to when he coached the 2023 national-champion University of Michigan Wolverines. The NCAA, essentially a feeder programContinue reading “Harbaugh and the Wolverines: Everything’s just fine(s)”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Great Alaskan Summit and combined Team Snowball Fighting-Ice Fishing competition, bringing Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump together, achieved a one-day photo opportunity and little else. Putin maintained his decision to continue Russia’s war in Ukraine and Trump distracted the American media from the Jeffrey Epstein fiasco for a day. “We hadContinue reading “Alaska: Nothing Ventured”

By BRUCE LOWITTQuarterback Aaron Rodgers, who sat out the Pittsburgh Steelers’ opening preseason game victory over the Jacksonville Jaguars, announced that he will carry a clipboard not only during the Steelers’ remaining exhibition games in August but for the entire regular season “because I’ve decided, for one thing, that I’m too fucking old for thisContinue reading “Rodgers: Over & Out”

By BRUCE LOWITT Donald Trump has denied offering Ghislaine Maxwell a presidential pardon if the co-defendant of the late predator Jeffrey Epstein tells U.S. Deputy District Attorney (and former Trump defense attorney) Todd Blanche about everything in the Epstein Files except that Trump’s name is mentioned anywhere in them.“Well, I’m allowed to give her aContinue reading “Ghislaine: Pardon me?”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a meeting involving President Donald Trump and several members of his administration. The recording was provided by a White House occupant on condition of anonymity who said she is “fed up with having to constantly pick up discarded hamburger wrappers between our bedrooms every morning.” President Donald Trump: “…Continue reading “Just a few distractions”