Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT In a follow-up to his commuting the death sentences of 37 death-row prisoners, President Joe Biden issued an executive order declaring Matt Gaetz guilty of multiple felonies and sentencing the former Florida congressman to life in prison without the possibility of parole, conjugal visits, or premium toiletries.The first presidential commutation of aContinue reading “The Gates of Hell Open for Gaetz”

By BRUCE LOWITT After the House Ethics Committee secretly voted to release its long-awaited report on former Rep. Matt Gaetz, Senate Republicans also secretly voted to investigate virtually all of President-elect Donald Trump’s other nominees for cabinet positions, ambassadorships, and governmental offices. The impetus for the probe, according to several Republican senators, all of whomContinue reading “Outing the inbred”

By BRUCE LOWITT Bill Belichick resigned Tuesday as University of North Carolina head football coach after the former New England Patriots coach and six-time Super Bowl winner, who signed a $50-million five-year contract with UNC last Thursday, said he “realized what a historically bad load of crap I would have been getting myself into.” Belichick,Continue reading “Belichick chickens out”

By BRUCE LOWITT An attorney and advisor for Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says being a major shareholder in companies that manufacture iron lungs and leg braces is in no way connected to his petition asking the federal government to revoke its approval of the polio vaccine. “Claims thatContinue reading ““Hey, Siri, what’s the definition of ‘contagious’?””

By BRUCE LOWITT The convergence Thursday of Donald Trump ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange within minutes of the President-elect being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year resulted in a 49.73 percent decrease in the Dow Jones Industrial Average and worldwide chaos.The 21,838.92-point crash, more than double the previous largestContinue reading “This TIME, it couldn’t be worse”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Joe Biden, having already gone back on his word by pardoning his son, Hunter, of any misdeeds, issued blanket pardons Wednesday “to all Democrats – and maybe a select few Republicans – in Congress, as well as in other federal, state, and local offices or anywhere else for anything they haveContinue reading “Pardon Me? Him? Her? Them? …”

By BRUCE LOWITT Juan Soto used the $765-million contract he signed with the Mets as collateral to buy the Miami Marlins on Monday, then engineered a trade of himself to the Florida team “because living in shithole New York for one year was long enough,” he said, “and who wants to pay state income taxesContinue reading “Soto takes the money and runs”

By BRUCE LOWITT Aaron Rodgers fired New York Jets owner Woody Johnson on Thursday, taking control of the pathetic franchise which hasn’t made the postseason since 2010, the longest playoff drought of any team not just in the NFL but in the NBA, NHL, Major League Baseball, Major League Soccer, and pretty much every LittleContinue reading “It’s officially Mr. Rodgers’ neighborhood now”

By BRUCE LOWITT In a dramatic and unprecedented decision, Judge Juan Merchan ruled Wednesday that Donald Trump’s presidency be halted “for up to four years” until his criminal conviction for falsifying records to cover up a sex scandal can be sorted out. “I do not come to this ‘Solomonic’ compromise easily,” Merchan, an acting justiceContinue reading “Hitting pause, and possibly reset”

By BRUCE LOWITT Partial transcript of a secret meeting Tuesday in Vice President-elect JD Vance’s Senate Office Building, from a recording made by one of the attendees who provided it on condition of anonymity lest they become a victim of an over-eager supporter of President-elect Donald Trump: Sen. JD Vance, R-Megalomania: “… didn’t tell youContinue reading “Hillbilly Eligibility”