Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT The addition of a glitzy ballroom to the White House is only the first stage of President Donald Trump’s plan to reimagine federal properties including the Pentagon, Lincoln Memorial, Mount Rushmore, and the Grand Canyon.“This stuff is old, often boring, and generally useless,” America’s last president and first king said during aContinue reading “Reimagining Trump”

By BRUCE LOWITT Aaron Rodgers, Pittsburgh’s unnervingly mild-mannered quarterback, went berserk in the locker room following the Steelers’ Thursday night loss in Cincinnati, according to teamates who said he blamed everyone but himself for the Bengals’ 33-31 victory. “I’d say ‘batshit crazy’ is how I’d describe Aaron’s behavior,” Steelers wide receiver DK Metcalf said ofContinue reading “Rodgers: Over and Out”

By BRUCE LOWITT Having temporarily run out of so-called enemies to prosecute, President Donald Trump ordered his personal “law firm” of Bondi, Martin, Blanche, and Halligan to indict Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, Fox news anchor Sean Hannity, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and his son Eric, “because I can.”Trump denied that his steady wave ofContinue reading “Indiscriminate Indictments”

By BRUCE LOWITT As the University of North Carolina football team, under first-year coach Bill Belichick , staggers through the worst start of a season in its 137-year history, and frustrated by the program being dropped from a planned behind-the-scenes documentary by the Hulu streaming service, boosters are weighing the choices of buying out Belichick’sContinue reading “Belichick and UNC: “bowl”-bound?”

By BRUCE LOWITTDonald Trump, claiming “we never would have lost the Ryder Cup if I was President … uh … I mean the United States would have totally won the Ryder Cup if I had been on the team,” and that the tournament should have been played at his golf club in Bedminster, N.J., hasContinue reading “Trump: Hooks and Shanks”

By BRUCE LOWITT On the heels of the University of North Carolina’s 34-9 blowout loss Saturday to the University of Central Florida, Jordan Hudson, Tar Heels’ 24-year-old acting head coach and soon-to-be former girlfriend of Bill Belichick, has applied to the NCAA to enter the Transfer Portal in order to, as she put it, “hookContinue reading “Jordan & Bill: Movin’ On Out?”

By BRUCE LOWITT (Partial transcript of a Zoom conversation among President Donald Trump, in England, and several of his cabinet members and other sycophants and flunkies in the United States following the indefinite suspension of Jimmy Kimmel Live by the ABC Television Network. The transcript was provided by RT, the Russian state-controlled international television network,Continue reading “TV or No TV: That’s Not a Question”

By BRUCE LOWITT President Donald Trump has downplayed the gravity of Russia’s flying drones over California and Illinois on Sunday, suggesting it was either a mistake or “my pal Vladimir Putin wanting to provide us help with how we deal with crowds of anti-government protestors, since he has a lot of experience.”The incursion into UnitedContinue reading “Trump: Droning On”

By BRUCE LOWITT World Athletics, the global governing body for track and field, said more than ninety-five percent of female athletes have completed sex testing for next week’s World Athletics Championships in Japan, but testing of the testers is lagging behind due to their unwillingness to identify how and with whom they conducted the tests.“ThisContinue reading “Repositioning Athletes”

By BRUCE LOWITT In a stunning policy reversal, President Donald Trump said he was rescinding his orders requiring the detention of people based on the color of their skin, speaking Spanish or accented English, and their presence at places where low-salaried day laborers gather, saying his decision is based on what he called “the self-preservationContinue reading “Trump: On Second Thought, I Need You”