Author Archives: lowittlowdown

By BRUCE LOWITT Quarterback Vinny Testaverde, saying he “owes it to the Jets for my lost year,” signed with them Friday and is expected to start Sept. 24 at New England against the team that ruptured his Achilles tendon and cost him the 1999 season. “I know I’m 59 years old and I’ve been outContinue reading “V-V-V-Vinny and the Jets”

By BRUCE LOWITT The 11,000 “runners” disqualified from last month’s Mexico City Marathon for taking shortcuts and using mass transit were, it turns out, pregnant women and partners from Texas and elsewhere in the United States seeking safe legal abortions. “With so many of our states attacking women’s reproductive rights, we have to bypass thoseContinue reading “The runs in Mexico”

By BRUCE LOWITT The U.S. Supreme Court, jumping the gun on state attorneys general contemplating whether Donald Trump is ineligible to serve as president again, ruled against him and also threw all but three of the 535 members of Congress out of office for being “insurrectionists” or “morons” or “because we just don’t like them.”Continue reading “Cleaning House, and the Senate”

By BRUCE LOWITT The Big Ten Conference, Big 12 Conference, Atlantic Coast Conference and Southeastern Conference, determined to solidify their monopoly of televised college football and complete their hostile takover of the sport from the NCAA, announced a merger and expansion for 2025 to become the 80-team Biggest Freaking Football Conference Anywhere Ever. The BigContinue reading “One conference for all and all for one”

By BRUCE LOWITT The unofficial Republican debate you didn’t see was far more entertaining than the official one you watched – assuming you tuned in to the shit show on Fox – when Donald Trump showed up unexpectedly and stalked the four minor-league candidates as they bitched and moaned for more than an hour. TheContinue reading “Master debaters? Debatable”

By BRUCE LOWITT Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, enraged over what he called “Greg Abbott’s stealing my whole immigration thing,” has threatened to run for governor of Texas against him in 2026. Abbott’s order positioning a floating barrier of large buoys on the Rio Grande as well as installing razor wire to keep migrants from enteringContinue reading “DeSantis vs. Abbott: Nobody wins”

By BRUCE LOWITT Seething after what he said was a “forced apology” ordered by Condoleezza Rice, a part-owner of the Denver Broncos, head coach Sean Payton said he expects quarterback Russell Wilson “to beat last season’s touchdown-to-bathroom total by midseason – and he’d better, considering all the shit I’ve said.” Wilson, a nine-time Pro BowlContinue reading “Now it’s Payton’s place: In the toilet again?”

By BRUCE LOWITT Rudy Giuliani, on the cusp of losing his license to practice law after conceding that he made false and defamatory statements about Georgia election workers while he was acting as a lawyer for former President Donald Trump, announced he will run for reelection once again as mayor of New York City. “MyContinue reading “America’s Moron”

By BRUCE LOWITT Desperate to avoid a last-place finish for the first time in 33 years, the New York Yankees fired General Manager Brian Cashman and Manager Aaron Boone after the daughters of the late George Steinbrenner consulted with the spirit of their father. Jennifer and Jessica Steinbrenner, general partners and vice chairpersons of theContinue reading “The Yankees: A ghost of a chance”

By BRUCE LOWITT Daniel Snyder thanked the National Football League for what he called “their payoff” in his sale of the Washington Commanders and its willingness “to overlook so much of the crap I pulled while I still owned that godawful team.” Snyder, who bought the franchise, then known as the Washington Redskins, for $800-millionContinue reading “Snyder plays the ‘Skins game to perfection”