G-20 and a Plus One

By BRUCE LOWITT
(Partial transcript of President Donald Trump's cabinet meeting preceding the G-20 gathering of international finance ministers and central bankers in Asheville, North Carolina. The recording was made by Natalie Harp, Trump's Executive Assistant and official First Groupie, seated a little too close to the president.)

Trump: “... but what I really want to know is why the fuck Indonesia, South Korea, and Turkey are here? I mean, who invited those shithole countries?”

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent: “They've got a lot of money, kind of like the rest of us, Mr. President. The G-20 make up about eighty-five percent of the world's wealth and they're right up there. We all know how much you like rich people.”

Trump: “I thought I have eighty-five percent of the world's wealth. Well, I mean me and my kids, ever since our grif … uh, our shrewd and very legal investments we've made and properties we've been given … I mean bought, and …

Bessent: “Uh, ahem, yes, Mr. President, I think we all know about that and I doubt you'd want to have to explain ...”

Trump: “Explain what to who?”

Attorney General Todd Blanche: “Congress, Mr. President. And federal and state grand juries. And God knows who else after the midterms – not to mention the American people.”

Trump: “Oh, please. With all the gerrymandering and shutting down mail-in ballots and voting sites, we've got the Senate and House locked up. And … huhn, huhn … ooooh ….” (whispers: “Not now. Cut it out, Natalie.”)

Vice President JD Vance: “Mr. President, wasn't this supposed to be sort of the G-19? I mean, Russia hasn't been welcome in the four years since its invasion of Ukraine?”

Trump: “You haven't been paying attention. I invited Russian Finance Minister Salamander-... Silvania-... Sivilservice... Shit! I invited Anton Whatshisface because I get along with everybody, which is why everyone thinks I'm the world's greatest leader. Also, because Vladi … y'know Putin and I are on a first-name basis … because he asked me for a Russian seat at the table. Also my invite was just another way to screw with those European pissants.”

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick: “Yeah! Fuck Canada!”

Interior Secretary Doug Bergum: “Howard, have you ever even seen a map?”

Lutnick: “Why would I when I have a Garmin StreetPilot to ...”

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy: “Holy crap, Howard. They stopped making those when The Apprentice was still ...”

Trump: “Shut up, everyone. If I can get just one or two countries to help me with the Iran, uh, thing … Hmm, y'know Germany's been pretty good at this war shit, most of the time, anyway. If I … huhn … huhn … omigod … Jesus Christ … Everybody out of the room.”

(Recording stops)

(Recording resumes)

Secretary of State Marco Rubio: “You okay, Mr. President? You look kind of, I dunno, exhausted. And are those different pants than ...”

Trump: “I'm fine! And I just spilled some, uh, Diet Coke, yeah, that's it, Diet Coke on my lap. Now about Iran ...”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth: “I want to attack France and Italy. They're giant pussies and can't fight for shit and it'll take people's minds off Iran. I mean, sure, we've won already, even if ...”

Trump: “Pete, I've been meaning to tell you this. You're fired. You can announce you're resigning to go back to Fox or taking a job in the private sector – I'm sure Elon'll hire you – but you've fucked up this Iran thing more times than Biden's had strokes.”

Secretary of Veterans Affairs Doug Collins: “You got a replacement for Hegseth in mind, Mr. President?”

Trump: “Jared, my son-in-law ...”

Rubio: “Whoa. What does he know about …?”

Trump: “Let me finish. I think he's the only member of my family who actually reads, and he was telling me about a book by a guy who really knows how to win a war. I think he's Italian. Sonny-something.”

White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles: “Oh, shit.”

Trump: “What?”

Wiles: “Sun Tzu. Wrote The Art of War.”

Trump: “That's him.”

Wiles: “And he's been dead about twenty-five-hundred years.”

Trump: “Fucking Kushner. … Wait, I've got someone better to run my War Department. Kim, the guy running Korea. We're really good friends, and he really knows how to throw a military parade.”

(Multiple voices shouting)

Trump: “Besides, he's been giving that other Korea on his border fits. Imagine how he'll handle Canada.”

Vance: “But what about Iran.”

Trump: “They're begging to make a deal. It'll be over in a day or two.”

(Applause)

Trump: “Now if there's any … Oh … ooh … huhn … hunh … huhn … (heavy breathing) … huhn … huhn … omigod … huhn... (gasping) … huhn … oh … yes … yes ... shit … ow … ”

Hegseth (shouting): “Is the president having a coronary?”

Wiles: “No, he's having a Natalie.”
(Recording ends)