Operational Screwups

By BRUCE LOWITT

(Code names considered for United States operations against Iran and elsewhere detailed in notes written in staff meetings by Army Chief of Staff General Randy George and Naval Secretary John Phelan, among the officials later fired by unstable Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. The notes were found tucked between sofa cushions in the office of Vice President JD Vance, whom Hegseth has repeatedly called a “DEI Pussy” in meetings with President Donald Trump.)

Midnight Hammer
June 22, 2025: The “bunker-busting” bombing and Tomahawk missile strike on three Iranian nuclear facilities as part of the 12-day war.

Midnight Hammer 2.0
January 28, 2026: More of the same, except more widespread. (Gen. George note: Only Trump could screw up a great MC Hammer joke, saying ‘You can’t touch anything,’)

Epic Fury
February 28, 2026: Still more of the same, this time in conjunction with Israeli military operations.

Project Freedom
May 3, 2026: A U.S. Naval operation guiding commercial ships safely through the Strait of Hormuz. (Sec. Phelan note: ‘Trump keeps asking why it’s called strait if it’s so crooked.’)

Project Never Mind
May 5, 2026: Project Freedom is paused indefinitely. Trump’s explanation: “Uh, because.”

Project Bris
May 28, 2026: Failed attempt by combined United States and Israeli forces under the command of Chief Rabbi David Lau and the Israeli Committee for the Supervision of Mohelim to widen the Strait of Hormuz by cutting off the northern tip of Oman.

Ferocious Assault
June 17, 2026: An attack on the Greater Chicago area by ICE.

Terrific Fistfight
July 29, 2026: An attack on registered Democrats in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, and the Bronx by angry unemployed Staten Island Republican longshoremen and bouncers recruited by ICE.

Frantic Slugfest
August 22, 2026: The inadvertent assault by the 101^st Airborne Division (“Screaming Eagles”) on the Montessori Children’s Center kindergarten in West Des Moines, Iowa.

Bloody Awful
September 1, 2026: Misguided attack on the British Embassy in Washington, D.C., 6.2 miles from the intended target, Albi, a Michelin-starred Palestinian restaurant.

Process WD-40
September 17, 2026: The one-thousand-mile oil change of Pete Hegseth’s hair.

Project Litres
October 4, 2026: Measuring the ABV percentage of FBI Director Kash Patel’s bloodstream.

Roadkill Paving
October 17, 2026: The resurfacing of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s face.

Vaginal Fist
October 31, 2026: The reapplication of disinfectant throughout the cabins of any Gulfstream G700 and Boeing 737 Max jets used by former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and her de facto chief of staff, Corey Lewandowski.

Crooked Bludgeon
November 3, 2026: The attempted coordinated military-style MAGA assault on the national off-year Congressional election.

Presidential Absolution
November 10, 2026: Trump, surrounded by agents of ICE, the FBI, and other protective services, issues pardons to the 716,285 people who stormed U.S. voting sites during Operation Crooked Bludgeon on November 3 in an attempt to maintain the Republican majorities in Congress.

Epic Jesus
December 25, 2026: Trump, still wearing a muted-colored knee-length wool tunic, shawl, belt, and leather sandals he donned for his final presidential portrait and schlepping his gold-plated cross along Constitution Avenue, announces he’s resigning after the Supreme Court denies him permission to pardon himself and Congress approves 51 counts of impeachment.