Holy crap!

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a telephone conversation between President Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV. The call, initiated by Trump, was recorded at the suggestion of Cardinal Pietro Parolin, Secretary of State of His Holiness, to be included in Volume 2 of The Vatican’s Bloopers, Boners, and Bombast album.

Pope Leo XIV: “Hello?”

President Donald Trump: “Is this Bob Provost?”

Leo: “It’s Prevost, not Provost, and I don’t go by that name anymore.”

Trump: “Why not?”

Leo: “Probably for a better reason than why you don’t go by John Barron anymore.”

Trump: “Oh, well, um, okay. Da Bears suck!”

Leo: “Who does your background research? I’ve never been a Bears fan. When I was a kid I rooted for Chicago’s other NFL team. They left town when I was six years old.”

Trump: “There was another …?”

Leo: “Yes. The Cardinals. And they moved to Saint Louis. Pretty ironic, right? I mean, you can’t make this stuff up.”

Trump: “So what do you go by now?”

Leo: “Normally, it’s ‘Your Holiness,’ but for this …”

Trump: “Your honor?”

Leo: “You’re not in a courtroom now, Donald, although God knows you’ll be in a lot of them down the road. Seriously. I’ve asked Him. You wouldn’t believe … Never mind. Anyway, for this conversation you can call me Leo.”

Trump: “Look, Leo, you’ve been giving me a lot of grief with your anti-Trump comments.”

Leo: “I’ve never mentioned your name and never will.”

Trump: “Yeah, well what about your talking about ‘delusion of omnipotence’ and ‘hands full of blood’”?

Leo: “And you thought …”

Trump: “And that you have ‘no fear of the Trump administration’?”

Leo: “Okay, you got me there, but what you have to realize, Mr. President, is that the world is …”

Trump: “Fuck you.”

Leo: “Oh, Donald. Really? Colossians 3:8 tells us you must ‘rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips,’ capisce?”

Trump: “Fuck two Corinthians, and fuck you.”

Leo: “And Psalm 34:13 tells us, ‘Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.’ Okay?”

Trump: “Fuck you. I never …”

Leo: “And while you’re at it, please tell Mr. Vance he might want to give more thought about my discussing ‘matters of theology,’ and please tell Mr. Hegseth to stop asking for victory over Iran ‘in the name of Jesus Christ.’ It really isn’t …”

Trump: “Fuck him, and …”

Leo: “Mr. Hegseth or Mr. Vance? It really isn’t very …”

Trump: “Not them. The other guy.”

Leo: (Sighs heavily). So this is how you’re going to speak to the Pope and his two-and-a-half-billion Christians in the world, his one-and-a-half-billion Catholics in the world? This is how you assail the believers of peace?”

Trump: “Fuck all of them, and fuck you.”

Leo: “There is only one way to respond to such blasphemy, Donald. “Fuck me? I’m from the South Side of Chicago, asshole. Fuck you!”

(Click)

Recording ends