Trump’s latest deformations

By BRUCE LOWITT

With his poll numbers sinking below the popularity of chlamydia and Elon Musk, President Donald Trump has continued “revising” his administration by reassigning Secretary of Defense and official White House Douchbro Pete Hegseth as special envoy to the Shield of Greenland, and Attorney General and amateur Botox tester Pam Bondi ambassador to Iran.

“I know Pete will do a bang-up job protecting us from any imminent attacks by those angry polar bears and walruses claiming they’re being deprived of their ice floes by phony stories of global warming,” Trump said, “and I don’t blame him one bit for convincing me that Iran posed a serious threat to our security and getting us into a wa- … a combat operation that’s going to last forfuckingever.

“And seeing the way Pam handled herself when some of the RINO Republicans in the House ambushed her during their hearings, I think she’ll be a great negotiator with whoever is still alive in Iran when the wa- … when the shooting stops. It’s an honor, her being our first ambassador since 1979 to that pile of wreckage.”

Former Secretary of Homeland Security Kristy Noem, having rejected her appointment this week as special envoy to the Shield of the Americas – “If that includes me having to deal with the scum of Central and South America, forget it.” – has been reassigned to the Animal Care division of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

Trump also made Noem and Corey Lewandowski, a special advisor at the Department of Homeland Security, honorary members of the Mile High Club but denied them use of the DHS’s Gulfstream G700 luxury jets. “If they want to keep their mile-high membership, they should rent a motel room in Denver,” the president said.

Sen. Markwayne Mullin, R-Billybob, initially appointed Noem’s successor at DHS, was unappointed by Trump and named chairman of the President’s just-announced Federal Mixed Martial Arts Commission.

In a similar decision, Trump fired Kash Patel as FBI Director following his drunken celebration with the USA Olympic hockey team and his use of government-owned aircraft for at least ten booty call trips that potentially delayed urgent FBI investigations.

Patel, awaiting approval by Molson Coors as a spokesman in Keystone Light beer commercials, has been temporarily returned to his office as Director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. “I can’t wait to get my mitts on most of that stuff,” he said.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., no longer Secretary of Health and Human Services, has been named Chairman of the newly created U.S. Roadkill Menu Conversion Agency. “People who complain that we don’t care about feeding the hungry? They can just shut the hell up,” Trump said. “When we eliminate speed limits in our national parks, there’ll be plenty for everyone.”