Indefensible

By BRUCE LOWITT

President Donald Trump says the $500-billion increase in military spending in his forthcoming budget will cover the cost of converting all Abrams tanks to coal power and the gold-plating of a dozen tanks to be stationed around the new White House ballroom.

In addition, the budget calls for installing state-of-the-art gymnasiums in the Navy’s eleven aircraft carriers, the RQ-4 Global Hawks to be updated as diesel-powered surveillance drones, the MQ-25 Stingray carrier-based refueling drones to be rebuilt with steel siding, and for all submarines’ heat insulation and fireproofing of pipes in boilers, engine rooms, and crews’ living quarters to be covered with friable spray asbestos.

“I agreed to Pete Hegseth’s fifty percent increase in the military budget,” Trump said of his defense secretary, “when he convinced me that, one, angry mobs of violent domestic terrorists would try to destroy my beautiful new dining-and-dancing-and-grifting palace and, two, most of our sailors (a) are fatter than I am, and (b) can’t even do as many girlie pullups as Pete can.”

The other “upgrades” the president mentioned are “essential to support and reinvigorate industries that for too long have been ignored by our woke companies and allowed to decompose and putrefy … Jesus, who wrote this for me? Are these real words?”

Hegseth released a Pentagon budget in January which he said called for “greater defense spending in patriotic American states while closing bases in New York and Illinois and California and other un-American states as well as cutting back on defense for Europe and Africa – and also the Middle East, if there still is a Middle East after the president’s Board of Peace gets done with it.”

“Also,” Hegseth said, “I’m calling for a seventy percent increase in Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Seagrim’s, Southern Comfelt. Marker’s Make, Buffalo Bison and … Escoose me, I’ve gotta …” and he hurriedly left the room.

Defense officials and White House staff say they don’t know where to put all the money because the amount is so large, but that Trump has suggested temporarily converting it to $TRUMP memecoin and World Liberty Financial’s WLFI tokens.

Two insiders with knowledge of the president’s plans, who spoke anonymously because their father wouldn’t let them play hide-and-seek in the Oval Office, said all the billions left over could be used “to install Patriot Missile batteries around anything in town with daddy’s name on it because, well … you know.”