Clark: All about character(s)

By BRUCE LOWITT

Tony Clark’s sudden resignation as executive director of the MLB Players Association followed an internal investigation which revealed that his “inappropriate” relationships involved not only his sister-in-law but also team mascots Phoebe Phanatic (the mother of Philadelphia’s Phillie Phanatic), Mrs. Met, (wife of New York’s Mr. Met), and Cincinnati’s Rosie Red.

There also are unconfirmed reports that Clark, was seen – inexplicably – in the company of the five racing sausages of the Milwaukee Brewers.

“I have nothing to say about any of these mascot allegations,” he told reporters outside the Brewers’ ballpark while wiping remnants of grease and chili sauce off his hands.

“As for my, uh, peccadillo involving my sister-in-law, let me just say that it was my brother’s wife, who has worked for the union since 2023 – which, by the way, has nothing to do with the fact that I was banging her – and not my wife’s sister,” Clark added. “I mean, I’d never suggest that Frances’ sister is prettier than she is. Oh, please. I’d never do anything like that to cause embarrassment or shame.”

Clark spent 1995-2009 as a major league first baseman and designated hitter, the first seven seasons with Detroit. In 2013 he became the first big-league player to become head of the union.

“Over my fifteen years as a player I got paid about $22-million,” he said. “Fifteen years! Now you’ve got guys making more than than in one season. I batted .262 and averaged about 17 home runs in my career. Kyle Tucker is averaging .266 and 18 homers over his eight seasons and the Dodgers are paying him $55-million this year! Kyle Fucking Tucker! Don’t tell me I don’t deserve a few extra million for what I’ve done for those guys.”

None of the mascots mentioned in the investigation had anything to say about their alleged relationships with Clark because mascots don’t speak.