“Melania”: fabulous fellatio

By BRUCE LOWITT

Melania, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’s $75-million blowjob of Donald Trump masquerading as a documentary, earned raves from the far-right media, with radio host Alex Jones calling it “the greatest American film since Birth of a Nation” and Breitbart News editor-in-chief Alex Marlow exclaiming, “It does for the First Lady what The Jazz Singer did for Jews wearing blackface.”

While a few left-wing, communist, socialist, Antifa publications gave it less-than-glowing reviews – the New York Times called it “the greatest waste of footage since the invention of the centipede” – the reviewer for the conspiracy-spewing Epoch Times gushed, “I dream of being an infant suckling on Melania’s breast during Donald’s inauguration.”

Fox News Network’s Greg Gutfeld exulted over the First Lady’s attention paid to the redecorated White House. “It was gorgeous,” he wrote. “I haven’t seen so much gold on display since Croesus held a fire sale in Lydia. It just goes to show how an immigrant can succeed in America if she puts her mind to it.”

The First Lady, interviewed following the film’s Thursday night debut at the just-renamed Donald and Melania and Barron and Ivanka and Tiffany and Donald Trump Jr. but not Eric and John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, said, “I be very happy with movie picture show my shoes – (director) Brett Ratner like my feet … really like a lot – and dresses and hats styles to be purchasing by peoples across great United American States next week at Amazon.”

The film, which follows Ms. Trump’s 20 busy days preceding her husband’s 2025 inauguration, cost Amazon $40-million to acquire – of which $28-million went into Melania’s bank account – and $35-million to market. It grossed an estimated $8-million during its opening weekend.

“It’s my understanding that, at the multiplex theaters where this exciting documentary was shown on Saturday, as many as eight or nine percent of the seats were sold, meaning everyone watching it didn’t have to be concerned with overcrowding or a lot of people chattering like in other movies,” Bezos said.

“Besides, we expect to recoup our costs and turn a profit on Melania sometime before the end of the millennium,” Bezos added, “but that doesn’t really matter because we’ve already bought our way into the president’s bed, so to speak. I mean, don’t tell anyone, but if we need his approval to, um, grab Warner Brothers or something like that, I think we’ll get it, wink, wink. … Did I say that last part out loud?”

Bob Brooks, the Newsmax editor and correspondent who reviewed the documentary, recalled: “I’m pretty sure there was someone else in the theater, way in the back, making some muffled moaning noises, but that just let me use my flashlight to take notes without bothering anyone.”

“Frankly,” Brooks wrote, “I didn’t expect the First Lady to allow the cameras into her bedroom while she changed her outfits, and the wolf whistles from the film crew were disconcerting but understandable, considering how much of herself she revealed. I haven’t seen anything like that since Basic Instinct.”