Taking shots at vaccines

By BRUCE LOWITT

The head of President Donald Trump’s federal advisory panel dealing with vaccines says parents should have the right to gamble that their offspring will suffer and even die from polio, measles, or other diseases.

In a related story, the president bought FanDuel, renamed it TrumpDuel, and is offering a series of prop bets on future childhood mortality rates.

“Shots should be (wheeze) optional, left up to the (wheeze) child, even if it’s an infant. If there’s (wheeze) no choice involved, informed consent (wheeze) is an illusion,” Dr. Kirk Milhoan, chairman of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices, said, speaking from the iron lung he has occupied for the past 52 years.

Milhoan, a pediatric cardiologist, was nine years old and just beginning life in the metal cylinder after contracting polio when he was also diagnosed with measles because, as he put it, “my parents thought vaccines were the (wheeze) work of the devil, Satan’s (wheeze) way of invading our body, and who was I to (wheeze) argue with them?”

He said being confined to the iron lung had both positive and negative results. Students in the classes he would have attended would visit him in his home “and bang on the (wheeze) sides of this thing. I was living in (wheeze) a steel drum even before the Beach Boys (wheeze) recorded Kokomo. But during my (wheeze) measles stage, some of the (wheeze) wise guys would play connect-the-dots (wheeze) on my face.”

Milhoan said he and his fellow panelists believe that getting injections of vaccines for most, if not all, diseases should be optional, offered only in consultation with a clinician or a federally licensed shaman, and that requiring shots before children attend school undermines trust in public health.

“Freedom of (wheeze) choice should come before public (wheeze) health,” he said, adding that he believed the Covid vaccine had caused “a very large death signal in (wheeze) children. I think those (wheeze) death signals were triggered by Marjorie Taylor Greene’s (wheeze) space lasers.”

Large scientific studies have debunked Milhoan’s claim, but he says he trusts his own observations over established science. “More to the point, I meant what I said and (wheeze) I said what I meant, because I’m a doctor, (wheeze) one hundred percent.”