A Professional Agitator and proud of it

By BRUCE LOWITT

Partial transcript of a January 12, 2026, meeting at the White House involving President Donald Trump and select members of his cabinet and administration. The recording was provided by a source who insisted upon absolute anonymity because he’s not going to run for reelection to the Senate from Alabama, that he’s going to run for governor of the Yellowhammer State, and if that doesn’t work out he’s going to offer to coach any southern college or high school football team that will have him.

Eric Trump: “… but daddy, you promised me a pony last year and all I got was a ticket to the Sugar Sand Park Carousel in Boca Raton, and they didn’t even go up and down like …”

President Trump: “Shut up. I know it’s your birthday today and …”

Eric: “It was a week ago!”

Trump: “Whenever. This year I promise you’ll get a real horse, a racehorse. A thoroughbred unlike any thoroughbred ever. Just give me a couple of days.”

Eric: “Okay, daddy. I love you.”

Trump: “Yeah, whatever. Now go finish shredding those papers I gave you, the ones with the big red C in the upper-left corner. And use the safety scissors.”

Eric: “What does the big red C stand for, daddy?”

Trump: “That’s ‘classified’.”

Eric: “Oh, sorry for asking, daddy. I just wondered …”

Trump: “Go, now!”

(Sound of running footsteps, door closing)

Trump: “Fucking moron. How the hell did my genes …”

Attorney General Pam Bondi: “Gee, Donald. I don’t think you should be so hard on Eric. He just …”

Trump: “I wish the hell I didn’t have a hard-on with Ivana back in ’83. … Tulsi, read this and get on it, pronto.”

National Intelligence Director Tulsi Gabbard: “Will do, sir.”

Vice President JD Vance: “Uh, Mr. President, not to change the subject, but I don’t think I can get away with what me and Kristi have been saying about what’s-her-name that got shot in Minneapolis.”

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem: “Oh, be quiet, James. First of all, what we said is no worse than what the president said. Second, my job isn’t to give comfort to the people. They get violent, we have an excuse to, you know. And nobody’s better at riling people up than our president, if he says so himself. And third, nobody cares what you say and everyone’s going to forget what I say the next time any shit hits the fan about anything.”

Vance: “Like?”

Noem: “Like that Kentucky hillbilly (Rep. Thomas) Massie filing a discharge petition to get the Epstein files.”

CIA Director John Ratcliffe: “But won’t the courts …”

Trump: “Fuck the courts.”

Noem: “I was about to say that, Mr. President. Besides, what’s the courts got? Robes. Gavels. We’ve got the Army.”

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum: “But what if we lose the House and maybe even the Senate in Nov-…”

Trump: “Fuck the elections.”

Noem: “Exactly!”

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent: “Wait! How …”

Bondi: “We’ve jury-rigged … uh … salamandered … um … you know … the fuck out of a bunch of states, that’s how. The Dems are spread out over teensy-weensy districts and we’ll run roughshod over ’em.”

Bessent: “But what if they sue to …”

Bondi: “Besides, I’m going to sue or arrest every senator and congressman who wants those Epstein files, starting with Massie. And if they try to fight us …”

Trump: “Again, fuck the courts, including the SCROTUM.”

“Bondi: “Uh, it’s SCOTUS.”

Trump: “Whatever. And while I’m at it, fuck the lawyers – except ours.”

Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer: “Speaking of the voters, the latest Bureau of Labor Statistics report says job growth was significantly slower last year than …”

“Trump: “Fuck the BLS. Since I fired Commissioner Erika whats-her-name in …”

Chavez-DeRemer: “McEntarfer.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth: “God bless you!”

Chavez-DeRemer: “I didn’t sneeze, asshole. That’s her name.”

Trump: “ … in August, I’m running things. Besides, those numbers don’t mean shit.”

Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick: “Why not?”

Trump: “Because, one, the fewer people working, the fewer people the corporations have to pay. Smaller payrolls, bigger profits. And, two, more people are dying because of the medical mess. Fewer vaccines, hospitals closing, nurses and doctors quitting …”

HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: “Any way I can help, Mr. President.”

Hegseth: “Aren’t you worried, Mr. President, about Russia if we, y’know, annex Venezuela – and maybe Iceland, and …”

Secretary of State Marco Rubio: “Greenland, you pendejo.”

Trump: “They want Ukraine. They want Poland. I don’t think they’ll give us any trouble as long as they understand we’re cool with that. Same with China, if it really wants Taiwan.”

Hegseth: “But what about NATO?”

Vance: “Hey, we already own NATO. Who do you think keeps them solvent?”

Gabbard: “Mr. President, I think I found what you’re looking for.”

Trump: “What’s that?”

Gabbard: “The note you gave me when Eric left? American Silver. A 6-year-old thoroughbred gelding. He died last Wednesday. They euthanized him after he suffered what they called a ‘catastrophic injury’ during a race somewhere in Ohio.”

Trump: “Cool. Have him stuffed and shipped to Eric’s house in Florida. If they’ve buried him – the horse, that is, heh-heh – have them dig him up and do it.”

Gabbard: “Will do, sir.”

White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles: “What’s pendejo, Marco?”

Hegseth: “Polo!”

Trump: “Shut up, pendejo!”

Recording ends