“Trump’s Southern Exposure”

By BRUCE LOWITT

An ad hoc Venezuelan military unit arrested U.S. President Donald Trump, his wife, Melania, and at least six high-ranking officials Saturday in retaliation for what the Caracas government called the illegal kidnapping of President Nicolás Maduro and his wife.

The force reportedly consisted of seven Venezuelan dock workers, bouncers at three Caracas taverns, two roustabouts, and an unemployed kindergarten teacher, one of whom said the captives were being detained at CECOT, the maximum security prison in Tecoluca, El Salvador, which he jokingly called “Mar-a-Epstein.”

Along with the Trumps, the Venezuelans captured Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Attorney General Pam Bondi, House Speaker Mike Johnson, and CIA Director John Ratliffe.

“We decided against taking JD Vance because we figure if the vice president is taking over for Señor Trump, he will fuck up his country more than even Trump and give the Americanos a taste of what they’ll be getting if they elect him in 2028,” a Venezuelan spokesperson said.

Trump has accused the Maduro government of “emptying its prisons and insane asylums” and sending hundreds of thousands of Venezuelan migrants as well as drugs like cocaine and fentanyl to the United States.

“First of all, that’s just, as we say, mierda del toro,” the spokesperson said. “Most Venezuelan immigrants in the U.S. are, unlike Trump, honest, hard-working people, and most of the drugs are coming from Mexico. Besides, compared to the dozens, maybe even hundreds, of grifts the American president is running, I’m surprised he’s had any time to even run his country – except for running it into the ground.”

Trump had set up a reward of $50-million for information leading to the capture of Maduro. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters that Trump, having orchestrated the capture of the Venezuelan president, claimed the reward for himself.

She also said Trump had offered it to his captors if they would release him, “but I’m not sure if that offer included Melania, Rubio, and the rest of his people or just himself. Knowing the president as we all do, I think we all know the answer to that one.”

The Venezuelan spokesperson said his government was willing to swap captives “as long as the deal includes documents signed by President Trump awarding us drilling rights in perpetuity for oil or anything else we can pump out of the Gulf of Mexico. … So far he’s refusing to sign anything unless it’s written as the Gulf of America. Well la-dee-dah and also jodan esa puta,” the spokesperson added.

He also said the Venezuelan force that successfully spirited Trump, his wife and the others also had initially captured DHS Secretary Kristi Noem and HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., “but we decided against taking them because we don’t want people who shoot dogs and we damned sure don’t want someone who might eat them.”