Trump’s Lame Name Game

By BRUCE LOWITT

After Donald Trump’s hand-picked Kennedy Center board, of which he is the chair, “surprised” him by voting to rename it “The Donald J. Trump and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts”, the president added his name to the George Washington Bridge, the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels, the Ronald Reagan Airport, the city of Madison, Wisconsin, the White House, and various other sites in a desperate attempt to be remembered for anything other than the shitshow of his two presidential terms.

“Trump University, Trump Airlines, my bankrupt Trump casinos, and a bunch of ‘de-named’ hotels and skyscrapers obviously weren’t enough to get the job done,” the president said, “but between these things, the Trump-Kennedy Center, and the Trump Peace Center, I think I’m pretty much set.”

Along with the naming of the spans over and under the Hudson River in New York to the Trump-Washington Bridge, the Trump-Lincoln Tunnel, and the Trump-Holland Tunnel, the president said the toll on each of them, now $14 or $16 to enter Manhattan depending on peak or off-peak hours, will be raised to $30 at all times and in both directions.

And the Holland Tunnel toll will be fifty to eighty percent higher than that based on the tariff he levies on what he called “the goods, services, and people of The Netherworld or Dutchland or whatever the fuck the Hollandaise call their country.”

“And if people in the toilet they call New Jersey and other nearby crappy states think it’s so great to work in New York or visit it to see overpriced plays and other tourist shit, let them pay for the privilege,” Trump said, announcing $100,000 Trump Gold E-Z Pass cards for unlimited crossings.

He said he decided to add his name to the Reagan airport instead of Dulles International Airport was “because I loved his movies, especially that FBI film,” an apparent reference to Code of the Secret Service, which Reagan called “the worst movie I ever made.”

Also, Trump added, “isn’t there already an airport in Dulles? Y’know, that big one in Texas between Dulles and Fort … uh … Fort Work?”

Madison, Wisconsin, voted more than seventy-five percent in favor of Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election. When told of Trump’s plan, the city voted to rename itself ZaPussy. “Let’s see how he attaches his name to the front of that,” said Madison’s former mayor, Satya Rhodes-Conway.

After demolishing the East Wing of the White House to make room for his $400-million ballroom, Trump said he “decided I might as go all the way and name the whole place after me since I plan to live there for at least nine or ten more years.”

Upon hearing that, Vice President JD Vance said his 2028 presidential campaign would be placed on permanent hold so he could concentrate on finding something he could rename, at which point the one hundred and eighty folks in the unincorporated community of Couch in Missouri voted unanimously to offer it up “just for laughs because … well … you know.”