Gerrymandering Ukraine

By BRUCE LOWITT

United States President Donald Trump has released a plan to end the war in Ukraine that involves ending Ukraine and probably most of Europe, a proposal that has the full backing of Russian President Vladimir Putin and the late British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain.

“The problem with Ukraine is that it exists,” Trump said. “If it had just stayed a part of the Soviet Union after World War II like it was supposed to, none of this shit would’ve happened. I mean, the Russkies redrew their map to include it just like (Gov.) Greg Abbott wants to redraw Texas’ maps. What’s wrong with that?”

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, excluded from the negotiations between Washington and Moscow, said the agreement between the two superpowers would be the equivalent of Chamberlain’s “peace in our time” appeasement, when he signed the Munich Agreement before World War II giving away part of Czechoslovakia to Nazi Germany, and could mean the end of NATO.

“Nonsense,” Trump said. “Chamberlain was one of the greatest scorers ever in the history of the NBA, not to mention one of the greatest scorers with the ladies, if you know what I mean, and he never gave anything away when he was on the court.”

According to the plan, Ukraine’s independence would be limited to Chernivtsi, a tiny province bordering Romania – and the plan also would prohibit Chernivtsi or any other leftover parts of an independent Ukraine from joining NATO.

“Besides,” Putin said. “I looked it up. Chernivtsi’s about the size of your funny little Rhode Island. We’d probably invade it in a few years and sell it to the Romanians or some other, heh-heh, shithole country that needs extra real estate.”

The agreement also would eliminate Ukrainian fears of “a future deliberate and sustained armed attack by Russia,” Trump said, “because they’d only be doing what I’ve been doing, sending our armies into our cities, which I have decided is totally safe and legal and is preventing crime and is not causing any problems, just like I promised.”

European leaders have expressed serious reservations about the plan, saying it would be rewarding Putin’s aggression. They also issued terse comments about the American president’s attitude toward NATO.

“Zajubi Trumpa,” said Croatian Prime Minister Andrej Plenovic.

“Fanculo Trump,” said Italian President Sergio Matterrella.

“Velniop Trumpa,” said Lithuanian Prime Minister Inga Ruginiene.

“Fokk Trump,” said Icelandic Prime Minister Kristrun Mjoll Frostadottir.

The Ukrainian president didn’t immediately criticize the peace plan –  until he discovered that Trump would be running it.

“Wait, what?” Zelenskyy shouted. “In that case, what they all said.”

Sent from my iPhone