Belichick ‘fired’

By BRUCE LOWITT

University of North Carolina football fans, enraged by the Tar Heels’ 17-16 overtime loss Saturday to visiting Virginia, burned Bill Belichick in a Kenan Memorial Stadium end zone following the game – admitting they accidentally incinerated their actual head coach rather than an effigy of him.

The regulation game ended 10-10, the Cavaliers scored a touchdown and kicked the extra point in OT, then UNC scored a TD but rather than go for another tie, Belichick went for two points and a win, but the attempt failed as Ben Hall’s catch and run fell inches short of the end zone.

“When it was over, we grabbed what we thought was a dummy behind the team bench on the sideline,” Student Body President Adolfo Alvarez said, “because it … I mean he … was just standing there motionless, expressionless. Just, uh, there. Never said a thing. How the hell were we supposed to know it was the actual guy who’s been running our football program? And by that I mean running it into the ground.”

The loss dropped UNC’s record to 0-3 in the Atlantic Coast Conference standings and 2-5 overall, with their only two victories coming against the lower-level Richmond Spiders (Patriot League) and Charlotte 49ers (American Athletic Conference).

“Look, I’m almost positive burning Belichick was an accident,” Alvarez said. ”I mean, you don’t go around trying to carbonize a coach – yeah, I’m a chemistry major – just because he can’t beat a good, or even a halfway decent, opponent. I’m not so stupid as to put money on these games. I will admit, though, that some guys in my classes come in on Mondays looking angry as hell or saying things like ‘Our fucking coach is costing me my tuition.’ And ‘Can you cover my lunch?’ And shit like that.”

Jordan Hudson was taken aback at first when she saw Belichick, her slightly charred 73-year-old significant other. But seeing him wave weakly at her several minutes later, the 24-year-old former cheerleader smiled and commented, “I guess I won’t have to cuddle to give him much warmth as fall turns to winter, eh?”

Seth Reeves, executive director of the Rams Club, said that “speaking for our 21,000 boosters, there’s both bad and good in what happened under the goalposts. On the one hand, this is a tragedy and we hope he recovers fully from the fire and can live a life at home going forward in rehab with his girlfriend.”

“But on the other hand, I guess we probably don’t have to worry about a $20-million buyout that his contract would’ve guaranteed him for next two years. We can probably get a better coach than he was for less than that.”

The 16th-ranked Cavaliers were favored by 10.5 points. “We hoped we’d beat them but we knew it was a long shot,” said Stephen Belichick, the head coach’s son and Tar Heels’ defensive coordinator, “so I figured I’d have to, y’know, either have them celebrate our upset win or lift their spirits afterward, so I decided to host a players-only marshmallow roast in the end zone. But word about it must’ve spread on campus and, in retrospect, I guess things got out of hand.”

Seeing the flames in the west end zone moments after the game ended, several hundred fans in or adjacent to the student seating section, most of them carrying marshmallows impaled on skewers rushed the field, chanting “We still suck!” and “We’re still not last!” and, ironically, “Fire Belichick!”