Trump (no shit) backs down

By BRUCE LOWITT
In a remarkable first, President Donald Trump changed his mind and promised not to send a surge of federal agents to San Francisco after Mayor Daniel Lurie promised not to send contingents of the California National Guard to Mar-a-Lago and the demolished East Wing of the White House to control the “rebellions” happening there.

“I think he got the point,” Lurie said, “when I said I also would ask Gov. (Gavin) Newsom, who has sole control of the California State Guard, to order his soldiers to Washington and Florida. I think he’d love to participate in showing the president that he’s not the only one calling the shots.”

The mayor said he outlined plans to Trump that involved sending not only the California National Guard to the nation’s capital but also students and alumni from the UC Berkeley College of Engineering and Stanford University to coordinate “reconstructing what’s left of the White House, to save it from the destruction of so much history.”

“At the same time,” Lurie added, “we were going to send troops to Florida to quell the riots around Mar-a-Lago. You’ve seen the Fox News video of the war-ravaged country club.”

Trump had ordered U.S. Customs and Border Control agents to Northern California in preparation for deployment, but when they arrived at the U.S. Coast Guard base in San Francisco Bay they were met by several hundred hymn-singing protesters who flung shit at the government agents.

“We’re just taking our cue from the president,” said Rev. Ben Daniel, a pastor at Oakland’s Montclair Presbyterian Church. “We don’t have a make-believe jet or pretend poop like he dumps in his dumb AI-generated video. We have real shit from real shelters, not to mention a whole bunch of it from the ASPCA.”

The protestors, to emphasize their feelings, sang songs like As Friends Rust’s “We on Some Next Level Shit,” Morbid Angel’s “World of Shit,” and Dead Milkmen’s “Life is Shit,” along with “The Wheels on the Bus,” “I’m a Little Teapot,” and “Fuck the Police.” They also carried signs like “Protect Our Neighbors,” “No ICE in the Bay,” and “Fuck the Police.”

Lurie said he received a Wednesday night phone call from Trump, “who told me he was – get this – ‘calling off any plans for a federal deployment in Friscansanto’. That bloated moron can’t even pronounce our city.”