Indiscriminate Indictments

By BRUCE LOWITT

Having temporarily run out of so-called enemies to prosecute, President Donald Trump ordered his personal “law firm” of Bondi, Martin, Blanche, and Halligan to indict Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, Fox news anchor Sean Hannity, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and his son Eric, “because I can.”

Trump denied that his steady wave of assaults on the U.S. Constitution was in any way connected to his desperate months-long campaign to distract the American public from the almost certainly incriminating collection of Jeffrey Epstein’s files that remain undisclosed because they contain proof that he had a close personal connection to the late pedophile.

When Carney visited the White House last Tuesday for a discussion aimed at restoring Canadian tourists’ willingness to visit the United States, “he was smirking and wouldn’t even look at me when I was talking about how we’re making America safer for tourists by banning transgender people from competing in sports or serving in the military or voting or using public restrooms or transportation. I mean, how can you grab somebody by the pussy if you don’t know whether they have one?” Trump said, either not realizing or not caring that Sasha Carney, one of the prime minister’s four children, identifies as non-binary.

Trump said he was going after Hannity “just to make an example of him to the rest of the Fox network because they haven’t been as slavishly supportive of me lately as they used to be.” He said he planned to make himself more available for interviews on One America News, Real America Voice, Newsmax, and Первый канал.

Greene, R-Switchback, who became one of Trump’s most rabid supporters during his first presidency, has recently turned against him, “frustrated,” she said, “by the skyrocketing cost of vibrators and other, um, performance-enhancing products due to tariffs.” She has been dating Brian Glenn, a right-wing TV reporter, since 2023, “and while he’s a nice guy,” she said, “I’m just not getting enough.”

Eric Trump, the president’s 41-year-old third child, second son, and first idiot, has spent most of his four decades begging his father for attention and, according to the elder Trump, “I’ve had it up to here with his whining, so I’m having him charged with criminal annoyance. Melania says I’m a textbook binge-eater and that it’s Eric who’s making me so crazy that I’m eating so much crap. I bet I’m at least ten pounds over my ideal weight of 175 pounds because of him, and … Hey, are you going to finish those fries? ….”