Trump: Hooks and Shanks

By BRUCE LOWITT
Donald Trump, claiming “we never would have lost the Ryder Cup if I was President … uh … I mean the United States would have totally won the Ryder Cup if I had been on the team,” and that the tournament should have been played at his golf club in Bedminster, N.J., has sued the PGA, U.S. team captain Keegan Bradley “and NATO, too, just for the hell of it, because those European bastards beat us,” the president said Monday.

But Bryson DeChambeau, a close Trump ally and chair of the president’s council on sports and fitness, blamed Trump for the Americans’ 15-13 loss.

“He said he wanted to give us a Knute Rockne-style speech before the first round to stir us up,” DeChambeau said, “but all he did was wreck our concentration with a bunch of incoherent nonsense. It took us two goddamned days to settle our nerves after his rah-rah bullshit. …

“Mostly he talked about ending seven wars and how his tariffs are improving the economy and deportations have increased employment and the United Nations sabotaged him last week and how he should have been a member of our team and shit like that – and he took a shot at one member of our team,” DeChambeau said, “but I’m not going to say who he mentioned because, well, some things are better left unsaid.”

But Trump said it.

“How the hell could Bradley pick Kawasaki or Hashimoto or Mitsubishi or whatever the fuck the name of that oriental guy is. This was supposed to be an all-American team,” Trump said of Los Angeles native Collin Morikawa, a six-time PGA Tour winner and two-time majors champion currently ranked No. 8 on the PGA tour, and whose singles victory clinched the 2021 Ryder Cup for the U.S. team. “I bet his grandparents had something to do with Pearl Harbor.”

The Americans were defeated over the three-day tournament on the famous Bethpage Black golf course, selected in 2013 as the site, then-PGA of America president Ted Bishop said, because of its reputation as one of the nation’s most challenging public courses “and also because we knew it would attract an unruly mob of New Yorkers who usually go to Yankees and Mets and Giants and Jets and Knicks and Rangers games and don’t know how to shut the hell up and behave at a classy event like ours and would probably unnerve the crap out of the Brits and the rest of them.”

Trump, who claims to have shot more holes-in-one than anyone in the world, even Kim Jong-il, and also to have won every round he has played at his New Jersey course, wasn’t elected president until 2016, fourteen years after opening the golf club, “but I was already hot shit in and around New York back then,” he said, “so the PGA should’ve known better than to bypass Bedminster for that Long Island dump. They’re going to owe me bigly. I think fifteen billion ought to do it. That’s my favorite number.”