TV or No TV: That’s Not a Question

By BRUCE LOWITT

(Partial transcript of a Zoom conversation among President Donald Trump, in England, and several of his cabinet members and other sycophants and flunkies in the United States following the indefinite suspension of Jimmy Kimmel Live by the ABC Television Network. The transcript was provided by RT, the Russian state-controlled international television network, which recorded the call with a microphone hidden in a pen Russian President Vladimir Putin gave Trump in Alaska as a souvenir of their summit.)

President Donald Trump: “… told you I’d get rid of him. After CBS decided to ditch Colbert next June I wrote on Truth Social that Kimmel was ‘NEXT to go in the untalented Late Night Sweepstakes.’ Now I’ve got my sights set on Arsenio Hall and Joan Rivers and Jimmy Fallon and …”
Attorney General Pam Bondi: “Arsenio and Joan, they’re not on … I mean, Joan Rivers isn’t … um … even … Oh, Mr. President, don’t worry about them. And sweet little Jimmy, he doesn’t say bad things about you. He just …”
Trump: “Hey, he made fun of me a couple of weeks ago over the rumors that I was dead. Well, fuck Fallon. And while I’m at it, fuck the guy on after him. Bill Meyers. Or is it Seth Moyers? Or … Fuck it. Once I get all of them off the air, nobody will want to make fun of me.”
FBI Director Kash Patel: “Saturday Night Live?”
Trump: “Nah. That guy’s hilarious. He does me better than I do me.”
Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick: “What about the Last Week Tonight guy. The Brit?”
Trump: “Who?”
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth: “Pam Oliver.”
Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard: “Jesus Christ, Pete! Pam Oliver? She’s a Fox sports reporter. Don’t you know anything? It’s Jamie Oliver.”
Trump: “Stop it, you two. Look, now that we’ve just about gotten rid of the weeknight crap, I think we can get back to concentrating on killing the newspapers. After the New York Times is gone, I’m going after the Chicago …”
Vice President JD Vance: “Before you do that, Mr. President, I think TV news and public affairs have to go.”
Trump: “Oh?”
Vance: “Do you really want to have to answer questions from CNN and the networks? Have you noticed that even Fox is taking shots at you? And what about Face the Nation and Meet the Press? Do you want them raising questions about, uh, people whose birthday cards you’ve …”
Trump: “Right! News is gone! That should …”
Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum: “Wait a second, Mr. President. I think there’s more television we have to kill.”
Trump: “Like what?”
Burgum: “Animal shows. Nature shows. Planet Earth. Our National Parks. Secrets of Whales. The Life of Birds. Everything on National Graphic TV …”
Trump: “What? Why?”
Burgum: “Have you watched those shows? Lions having sex. Grizzly bears having sex. Orcas and hummingbirds having …”
Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins: “Holy shit, Doug! Is that all you think of?”
Burgum: “Insects having sex. Plants having sex …”
Trump: “Well, you’ve made your point. Let me think …”
Burgum: “Dinosaurs having sex.”
Trump: “Calm down. I’ll get all that filth off the air. Okay?”
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: “What about all the doctor shows?
Secretary of Energy Chris Wright: “What about them?”
Kennedy Jr.: “They spread all sorts of misinformation, like about how surgery can save lives and medicine is good for you and X-rays and MRIs and CT scans won’t kill you and doctors and nurses are always having sex in the washrooms, and …
Trump: “I had no idea, Robert. We’ll get rid of them, too.”
Kennedy Jr.: “And the cooking shows. Those chefs are putting poison in their recipes, like canola and corn oil instead of fat from beef like they use to make candles and soaps.”
Trump: “Uh … ”
FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino: “And documentaries and children’s programming. Who knows what lies are being fed to us and our kids.”
Trump: “Um … anything else.”
Secretary of Education Linda McMahon: “Yeah. Reality shows.”
Vance: “No fuckin’ way. That’s life.”
Trump: “Fine. As long as they don’t complain about how life’s going in the country.”
Federal Communications Commission Chairman Brendan Carr: “Uh, Mr. President. Let me think about this for a few minutes. No, wait. Let me call my lawyer. As much as I’m with you on this, there might be … um … a small problem with the First Amendment.“
Trump: “Which one is that?”

(Recording ends)