CDC + RFK Jr. = FUBAR

By BRUCE LOWITT

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has clarified his statement that he could diagnose children with “mitochondrial challenges” by eating some of their hair, explaining, “Actually, I’d also have to drink some of their pee.”

Symptoms of mitochondrial disorders include muscle weakness, a failing nervous system, brain and heart malfunctions, “and a lot of other shit that has fucked me up for years, especially the brain thing,” Kennedy said.

To put it in basic terms, he added, “it is responsible for heterogeneous presentations with multi-systemic involvement including impaired oxidative phosphorylation that gyre and gimble in the wabe and the dish ran away with the spoon and there was a young girl from Nantucket, so I don’t want to hear any more crap about my little dog Fala.”

Kennedy said the firing of CDC Director Susan Monarez, just three weeks after being confirmed by the Senate, and the resignations of other CDC leaders including its chief medical officer, Dr. Deb Houry, would have no effect on the agency’s effectiveness.

However, Kennedy’s selection of Jim O’Neill as acting CDC director – just days after O’Neill’s conviction for trafficking in counterfeit M&Ms was wiped out by a presidential pardon – has raised eyebrows, not to mention lowbrows and other bodily functions.

The resignations of top CDC officials occurred, Dr. Houry said, after Kennedy “demanded that we not only participate in unscientific vaccine programs but that we undo the vaccinations to combat measles, polio, and bubonic plague we received as children and also subscribe to that assho-… to Mr. Kennedy’s belief in phrenology.”

Kennedy, who holds degrees in law and environmental law but whose medical background consists of heroin addiction, THC-laced gummies, and binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, House, and The Dr. Oz Show, recently said – based on what he called “my thorough review of reporting by the National Enquirer” – that the deaths of his uncle and father were actually caused “by vaccines administered just before their campaign visits to Dallas and Los Angeles.”

He also still clings to the belief that autism in children is the fault of their parents. “We have to recognize,” Kennedy said, “that teaching our children about autos, that cars are the safest way of getting from one place to another, is a major cause of failing to understand mopeds, bicycles, tricycles, scooters, and golf carts.”