Harbaugh and the Wolverines: Everything’s just fine(s)

By BRUCE LOWITT

Under an agreement between the NCAA and the NFL, Jim Harbaugh will be barred from coaching the Los Angeles Chargers’ first 12 games, and possibly more, this season as punishment for a sign-stealing scandal dating to when he coached the 2023 national-champion University of Michigan Wolverines.

The NCAA, essentially a feeder program for the NFL, “didn’t want Harbaugh to get off scot-free, especially since Michigan beat the snot out of my Wildcats 50-6 last November and has won fifty-six of seventy-one games against them,” NCAA President and Northwestern University alumnus Charlie Baker said. “If I could, I’d take a hammer to that ‘Big House’ national championship ring he wears – while he’s wearing it.”

The penalties against Michigan are mostly financial, fines that could exceed $30-million, and limitations on recruiting – but the university wasn’t banned from the coming postseason, nor was it ordered to vacate any wins, including the 34-13 national championship win over the University Washington.

If the Wolverines play only their scheduled 12 games, that will be the amount of benching Harbaugh faces. But if they play in any bowl games or playoff games, those will be added to his penalty – and his Los Angeles salary will be docked for the games he misses.

“I’m not saying I hope Michigan goes six and six or something,” Harbaugh said, “but you never know.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he agreed to the penalty against Harbaugh “for several reasons. One, he can afford it. Two, it’ll distract the media and fans from all the other problems we have, starting with Aaron Rodgers. And three, ever since ‘Deflategate’ I can’t stand the prick.”

The NCAA’s Committee on Infractions decided against actions that would penalize the current team because “there was no way we were going to fuck over so-called student-athletes, most of whom weren’t even around when Harbaugh was pulling this shit.”

It did hand a one-game suspension, the opener of the 2026 season in Frankfurt (Germany) against Western Michigan University, to current Wolverines head coach Sherrone Moore, who was Harbaugh’s assistant coach when the scandal occurred.

“Oh, how cruel,” Moore said in a momentary performance that Nicholas Cage would envy. “That means I’ll miss a pair of nine-hour plane rides and our five-touchdown win over the Broncos. … Poor me. Hmm, maybe I’ll send Kelli to coach the guys. She’s never been to Europe in the ten years we’ve been married.”