Alaska: Nothing Ventured

By BRUCE LOWITT

The Great Alaskan Summit and combined Team Snowball Fighting-Ice Fishing competition, bringing Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump together, achieved a one-day photo opportunity and little else. Putin maintained his decision to continue Russia’s war in Ukraine and Trump distracted the American media from the Jeffrey Epstein fiasco for a day.

“We had very productive meeting,” Trump said. “Vlad, that’s what I call him, and he calls me Malenkiy Chlin – isn’t that cute? – since we’re such close friends, agreed on a few key things.” Note: Маленький Член is Russian for Tiny Penis.

“He told me he will end his bombing of schools and hospitals and everything else except the city of Lviv if Ukraine will give up the entire country to Russia except Lviv, which I think is a very reasonable solution.

“And I told him we would stop sending military and financial aid to Ukraine if he promises Russia won’t invade and take over Lviv to use as a jumping-off point to invade Poland, which Vlad promised he’d think about maybe not doing as soon as NATO disbands, which I think is a very fair compromise since I also think NATO is a huge waste of money,” Trump said.

The president also said he agreed during the summit at Joint Base Elmendorf to close the strategic U.S. installation supporting military operations in the Asia-Pacific region. In exchange, Trump said, Putin granted him permission to build Trump hotels in Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Vladivostok.

Marco Rubio, U.S. Secretary of State, and Steve Witkoff, U.S. special envoy for Peace Missions, said they were particularly pleased with what they received in the negotiations.

“Putin apparently is still angry that Russian Czar Nicholas II sold Alaska to the United States in 1867 for $7.2-million,” Witkoff said, “and his foreign policy advisor, Yuri Ushakov, gave me a great gag gift. It’s a mug with Аляска in raised letters. Like they’re going to get it back, right?”

Rubio said, “And his Foreign Minister, Sergei Lavrov, gave me one of his custom ‘I visited the White House in 2017 and all I got was a bunch of classified intelligence material’ T-shirts. Hysterical. I love it.”